


On the Back of a Couch

by evangellie



Category: Arashi (Band), DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Canon Compliant, Crossover, Getting Together, Homophobia, M/M, Minor Violence, Sexual Situations, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-08-27 18:13:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16707520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evangellie/pseuds/evangellie
Summary: Jun wants Changmin, Changmin is confused, Yunho is less than helpful and Ninomiya is a brat, i.e. Jun and Changmin somehow end up having a secret casual relationship.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Reposting really old stuff from my livejournal days, with no editing nor rereading because of the cringe factor (just so you are warned). Originally published on 15 August 2012. Original notes: "Slightly long but necessary notes: This is so not what I usually write but I wanted to try something different (present tense, general style, Arashi, amount of porn...). And now I'm going to be that girl who writes crazy pairings."

Changmin is in the middle of a photoshoot when his phone vibrates against the table next to where Yunho is resting. Yunho takes the phone and frowns at the name that flashes on the screen. _Matsumoto Jun_. He is from one of the top idols group in Japan, Arashi was it?  
  
Changmin comes back smirking —he has done a great shot— but his smirk is quick to fall away into a frown when he sees the phone in Yunho’s hands.  
  
‘What are you…‘  
  
He grabs the phone successfully, Yunho offering no resistance. He cringes when he glances at the screen before he shoves the phone away into his pocket. Only the highly fashionable design he is wearing hasn’t got any pockets so the phone is sent spiraling onto the floor.  
  
Yunho quirks an eyebrow at him. ‘What’s with this reaction?’  
  
Changmin bends down and retrieves his phone. ‘You know better than to look at my stuff.’  
  
‘Well, sorry. It was reflex.’  
  
Yunho looks sheepish enough that Changmin lightens up slightly. ‘It’s a reflex to look at my stuff?’  
  
Yunho quickly waves his hands in denial. ‘No! Ahh.. You know what I mean. It’s a reflex to look at a phone when it vibrates or rings.’  
  
‘Whatever. It’s your turn to shoot and I’m done so I’m leaving first.’  
  
‘You’re not waiting for me?’  
  
They both hear a staff calling _Yunho-san_ and Changmin takes the cue. ‘ _They_ are not waiting for _you_.’  
  
‘Changmin…’  
  
Changmin raises his arm as he leaves the set to go change.  
  
Once the door of their green room is securely locked, he looks at his phone.  
  
One message. _Matsumoto Jun_.  
  
Changmin bites his lower lip as he opens it. _Tonight, my place, at 9pm?_  
  
He releases his lip from between his teeth. _ok._  
  
The screen flashes again for a few seconds: _message sent_. He groans and lets himself fall onto the sofa, clutching his phone to his chest, one arm across his face.  
  
_What the hell is he doing?_  
  
  
º  
  
  
First, it had only been some glances. Changmin catches him looking at him during the shooting of Music Station while they sit on the background listening to the members of Perfume being interviewed by Tamori-san about remarkable incidents related to food —one of them broke her teeth while eating an apple somehow, it seems.  
  
Their eyes meeting would have been ok by itself, but Matsumoto doesn’t let go of his gaze for many seconds, too many for Changmin, until the camera is on them. Changmin feels himself flush. The staring was intense and it perturbs him, making him stumble on his words when Tamori-san directs himself to him, asking if he has finally found ramen that is too spicy for his taste buds.  
  
Changmin’s words are stuck in his throat for a second —well, long enough for Yunho to elbow him— before he is finally laughing, saying that he hasn’t yet but not for the sake of trying.  
  
Matsumoto suddenly joins in the conversation with the suggestion of a place, and if he has tried it? No, he hasn’t. Then they definitively should go sometimes. Changmin stays speechless while Yunho suggests they should all go together, definitively. Matsumoto agrees, joking that they would make Leader pay. One of them pulls a face —Ohno-san, Arashi’s leader, supplies Changmin’s brain— and everyone in the studio laughs.  
  
Changmin feels Matsumoto’s gaze follow him backstage. He hurriedly leaves, muttering a small _bathroom_ to Yunho in passing. Yunho nods before smiling to the members of Arashi, probably exchanging numbers or something. Maybe. Changmin doesn’t really care though he knows he should. Being friends with a top idol group could only benefit their career. He sighs but still hurries to his dressing room.  
  
Later, he does get scolded by Yunho though, albeit gently, for freezing on camera and not being nice to them. They absolutely need to at least appear friendly on camera. Arashi has got a wide fan-base. Changmin nods.  
  
Yunho mutters, ‘Oh well, I did damage control already.’  
  
He is used to Changmin being misunderstood. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t bother him, though, Changmin guesses.  
  
  
º  
  
  
The small incident has left his mind until he runs into Matsumoto again, in a studio building. Yunho’s words are ringing in his mind – _be friendly, networking is crucial, remember_.  
  
  
So he tries. He stops, bows and thanks him for his ramen recommendation from last time. Jun nods and then hesitates for a few seconds before asking: ‘Are you free? Do you want to grab a drink with a few friends of mine?’  
  
_Be friendly. Network_. Changmin repeats the words in his mind. ‘All right. Yeah. Why not?’  
  
‘Then should we exchange numbers to meet later?’  
  
Changmin nods and they do.  
  
‘Ok then. See you later.’  
  
Changmin nods, and they both go in the opposite direction from each other.  
  
During the meeting about the programs in which he will appear to promote his film _Fly with The Gold_ , he replays the exchange in his head. Nothing had seemed strange. Maybe the gazing thing had been a trick of his imagination after all.  
  
Changmin sighs and everyone looks at him.  
  
‘Are we boring you?’  
  
He apologizes, bowing deeply. Tsumabuki laughs at him before scolding him lightly.  
  
‘You looked way in the clouds. Focus or we are going to lose.’  
  
Changmin blinks. ‘Lose?’  
  
‘Yeah, we are talking about one variety where we have to play games, haven’t you listened? I guess not though.’  
  
‘Aah…’  
  
The staff laugh when Kiritani comments that maybe they will have a shot at winning then, if Changmin get this distracted during the shooting. This doesn’t make sense to Changmin but he shrugs before asking: ‘What else is there?’  
  
‘Well, we were planning to do some shows by splitting you all and–‘  
  
Changmin does his best to concentrate and takes a few notes.  
  
º  
  
  
Yunho and Changmin are sitting on the floor in their living room having late dinner when his phone vibrates in his pocket. He takes it out and nearly chokes on his food, _Matsumoto Jun_. A message. _We are meeting directly at the bar Rainy Night, at 9pm, if you still want to join us_.  
  
‘What is it?’  
  
Count on Yunho to be nosy.  
  
‘You remember Matsumoto Jun? I ran into him before the meeting I had with the film crew earlier and he asked me if I wanted to go out with friends for a few drinks.’  
  
‘Oh, that’s good.’  
  
‘But tomorrow we have—’  
  
‘You should definitively go. Don’t worry. We don’t have a performance, just rehearsals and interviews.’  
  
‘But I wanted to catch an early night because of all the promotional activities for the film…’  
  
Yunho puts his chopsticks down, a serious look on his face. Changmin wants to scowl but manages to school his features into an expression he hopes is neutral.  
  
‘Come on Changmin. This is good for us. You know I do a lot of that stuff nowadays…’  
  
He knows, of course. Now that they are only the two of them and that Yunho is stuck with asocial and awkward Changmin. Yes, he hears the subtext loud and clear.  
  
‘Ok, ok. Do you know…’ Changmin glances down at his phone. ‘What and where is Rainy Night?’  
  
Yunho’s expression seems to relax and he resumes eating.  
  
‘Oh, it’s a nice bar in a hidden corner of Roppongi’  
  
‘How nice?’  
  
‘No dress code, it’s casual.’  
  
One hour later, Changmin quickly changes into a nice pair of black jeans, slightly on the tight side, and a blue light sweater with stripes. He grabs his leather jacket which is warm enough for the cold weather and leaves.  
  
º  
  
  
A taxi later, he is in front of the bar. It’s 9.16pm. Not too early nor too late. Changmin wrings his hands together before pushing the door open. Why is he so nervous? He removes his sunglasses to take in the dimmed lights and the sleek decors. Be confident. He takes a deep breath and quickly makes his way inside.  
  
There aren’t that many people and the people that are here are too busy to notice him or too famous to care. He scans the crowd until his eyes fall on Matsumoto who is waving at him from a booth at the very back of the club.  
  
There are two more people with him. Their faces are familiar but their names escape him. They all have drinks in their hands and Matsumoto’s eyes are slightly too bright. Changmin feels hot under his jacket.  
  
‘Shim Changmin meet my friends Eita and Oguri Shun. Friends meet Shim Changmin.’  
  
Changmin bows, ‘Nice to meet you.’  
  
Oguri stands up to bow and is followed by everyone else except Matsumoto who laughs. Changmin is surprised by the carefree look on his face.  
  
‘Why are you all so formal? We aren’t at work. Yet.’  
  
‘Yet?’ asks Changmin.  
  
Jun looks surprised at Changmin’s cluelessness. ‘I’ve heard you’re coming to VS Arashi.’  
  
Changmin tries to rack his brain but he remains confused.  
  
Oguri lets out a small laugh. ‘Looks like he has no idea.’  
  
‘Ah, there’re so many promotional activities. I’m not sure…’  
  
Changmin scratches the back of his head but Jun shrugs.  
  
‘It doesn’t matter. Do you want to sit down perhaps?’  
  
‘Oh…’  
  
Oguri scoots to his right while Changmin takes off his jacket and he soon finds himself next to him, facing Matsumoto, who has Eita sitting next to him.  
  
‘I bet he is going to be good at Cliff Climb with those legs. You better be careful Jun or you’re gonna lose,’ says Oguri.  
  
‘Again.’ Eita’s voice is quiet but clear and hints at his amusement.  
  
‘Don’t laugh. I do normally ok at everything but with Sho-san and… don’t repeat it… but the plus-one guests are normally not helpful and more like weight we have to pull.’  
  
Oguri lets out a chuckle. ‘Poor Sakurai-san. But he does exaggerate, right? For the entertainment factor?’  
  
‘With the years it’s become more difficult to know if he is acting or if he is really failing.’ Jun smirks. ‘I think he is failing more and more, to be honest.’  
  
‘I don’t want to interrupt you both but Changmin-san looks completely lost.’ Eita looks at him questioningly, ‘Can I call you that? How old are you?’  
  
‘I was born in 1988.’  
  
‘Then you’re definitively younger than us. Changmin-kun it is, then?’ Jun says.  
  
‘Ah, I guess that’s fine. I’ll go order a drink.’  
  
Changmin nearly flees from his seat and takes refuge at the bar. He needs something strong. He asks for a gin tonic and while he waits for the bartender to serve him his drink, his gaze wanders around and he takes in the different people in the club. People drinking, laughing. Someone whispering into someone’s else’s ear some sort of banality, probably.  
  
He is startled by the sudden voice close to his own ear.  
  
‘Everything ok? You nearly _ran_ to the bar.’  
  
Changmin turns around and meet Matsumoto’s eyes before his gaze follows the hand that now rests next to him on the counter.  
  
‘I’m fine. Just thirsty.’  
  
‘Here you go’.  
  
Changmin looks back in time to smile at the bartender, slipping money on the counter. He takes a sip from his drink and throws a small smile at Matsumoto. Matsumoto smiles back but it’s bigger and more genuine than his. Changmin bites the inside of his cheek and Matsumoto nods towards the booth.  
  
‘Let’s head back then.’  
  
In the end, it’s not too bad, Changmin thinks. Eita is quite like him and has the same taste in films; he even recommends some titles to him, that Changmin promises to watch and give feedback to Eita, which prompts an exchange of numbers with everyone.  
  
Half way through Oguri-san has turned into Shun-san and Matsumoto-san into Jun-san. They both fill the silence with their memories in what seems like a one-upmanship on whom can embarrass the other further.  
  
Changmin feels himself breathless from laughing at one of Shun’s anecdote and shakes his head to clear his sight but the movement makes him feel dizzy and he probably has had too much to drink and he is so _so_ going to have hangover tomorrow and his day is going to be miserable… He gets up unsteadily and signals towards the bathroom.  
  
  
Once there he splashes his face with cold water. It doesn’t seem to do him any good as he looks back at himself in the mirror and finds that the droplet going down his nose is hilarious. Maybe once more then. He splashes his face again and when he looks back into the mirror, he is startled when his gaze falls on Jun, who is now standing right behind him.  
  
‘You alright?’  
  
Changmin decides that this time he won’t lose the staring contest. ‘Yeah.’  
  
Jun takes a step towards him and it’s too much. Changmin whirls around. ‘What are you doing?’  
  
He smiles sloppily and Changmin realizes that he is maybe as intoxicated as he is. He takes another step and he is close enough that Changmin has to look down. Jun’s right hand is on his nape, pulling him down to meet his lips and Changmin lets him.  
  
It’s a surprisingly soft kiss and it clashes with Changmin’s image of Jun being passionate. His lips are pressing against his and Changmin feels self-conscious about his chapped lips for a split second before Jun licks them. Changmin feels his knees weakening and he can’t really think anymore so he parts his lips and Jun suddenly _is_ passionate and pressing him against the sink.  
  
He wants to complain about the sink digging in his back but Jun’s mouth is so very warm against his and his right hand has slid into his hair and his left hand on his hip and he can feel his body pressed tightly against him and oh god—  
  
The sound of the door opening seems to wake him and he pushes Jun away, maybe a bit too strongly as Jun falls down in front of a stall. He can’t really think of what to do so he runs into a surprised Shun on his way out.  
  
It’s only when he is safely tucked into a taxi that he remembers his forgotten jacket. He pats his pockets; he has his phone, keys and wallet so who cares about a fucking jacket when he has just kissed a man. Well, it was a man that kissed him but that just semantics and he is only kidding himself if he thinks that whom kissed whom first matters since he kissed _back_ anyway.  
  
Fuck. He lets his head fall into his hands, rubbing his fingers tiredly over his eyes. There’s a dull throb pulsing behind them but he has definitively sobered up.  
  
  
  
º  
  
  
The next day, in the break room before a dance rehearsal, Changmin swallows the pills that Yunho hands him with a smirk.  
  
Changmin wipes that water clinging to his lips with the back of his hand. ‘Your smile is worsening my headache so shut it.’  
  
This makes Yunho’s smirk become even wider and creepier, in Changmin’s opinion.  
  
He has also purposefully forgotten his phone at home so he can ignore the message that was there this morning when he woke, sneering at him, begging to be read.  
  
Changmin lets himself fall on a seat in front of the table. He pulls out his schedule for the next three weeks out of a folder from his bag. His eyes go through it quickly and then he stares at it. Hard.  
  
‘Is there a problem? You look like you want to set that piece of paper on fire.’  
  
Changmin sighs and crumbles the paper before tossing it into the bin. His aim isn’t good so it falls on the floor a few inches to the left but it still feels good and he doesn’t care if he is being childish.  
  
Yunho stoops down to take the paper and smoothen it into a readable form as Changmin let his head fall back, his gaze on the ceiling.  
  
‘It looks like a perfectly normal schedule. It’s not too tight, is it?’  
  
Changmin sighs.  
  
Yunho scans the paper again, his finger sliding through the lines.  
  
‘Next week you have a lot of promotion for your film but that’s not out of ordinary.’ His finger stops on a particular activity. ‘VS Arashi. What’s that? It sounds like… Is it related to that idol group?’  
  
Changmin lets his head fall onto the table with a thump. Yunho sits down opposite to him, smoothing the paper on the table.  
  
‘Didn’t you go for a drink, last night was it? With one of the guys?’  
  
‘Yeah.’  
  
‘Is this what this is about? Was he mean to you?’  
  
Changmin shakes his head, rubbing his forehead against the table. Yunho frowns.  
  
‘Then what’s up?’  
  
Changmin sighs and lifts his head to look at Yunho. ‘Nothing.’  
  
But Yunho’s eyebrows goes up. He is not going to drop it.  
  
‘I don’t know. It was fun but he just… he makes me feel uncomfortable for some reason.’  
  
Changmin looks away and gets up, snatching the piece of paper from Yunho’s fingers. ‘Well, it doesn’t matter.’  
  
Yunho looks skeptical. ‘If you say so.’  
  
Changmin feels his temper rise but try to rein it in. After all, it’s not Yunho’s fault. ‘Well, I can’t avoid him so…’  
  
‘Yeah, we are going to run into him quite a few times.’  
  
Changmin can feel his headache coming back. Useless pills. ‘Anyway, let’s go rehearse.’  
  
He manages to forget for a while —with the way his body is rebelling against yesterday’s abuse of alcohol, he has to concentrate ten-folds on his movements and his dancing is far from being fluid— but once he collapses to the floor, breathless and thirsty, he remembers the small mole Jun had on his upper lip and he buries his head into the towel that Yunho has just thrown at him, wishing the alcohol had also made his memory as crappy as his body.  
  
  
º  
  
  
It’s been three days and Changmin is sprawled on the sofa of the flat they have in Tokyo. He is playing with his phone, scrolling past messages from his mom enquiring about his health, Kyuhyun about whether they are going to play online soon, or his manager reminding him of his schedule. Only Jun’s message remains unopened. Changmin hesitates for a few seconds before scrolling past it with a sigh.  
  
‘I’m going to throw your phone out of the window if I hear you sigh one more time.’ Yunho waves a score in front of him. ‘I’m trying to memorize those lyrics and maybe you should do the same instead of moping around.’  
  
Changmin puts the phone on the floor and slides it away from him.  
  
‘Is it a girl?’  
  
Changmin sits up abruptly. ‘What? Why? No!’  
  
Yunho gets up from his chair and sits down next to Changmin, an amused glint in his eyes.  
  
‘I’ve never seen you like that… only when you have love problems.’ He elbows Changmin. ‘Come on, spill.’  
  
Changmin slaps his elbow away, clutching his side in mock pain. ‘That hurts and I don’t have any love problems.’  
  
‘You know you can tell me everything, right?’  
  
Changmin recognizes Yunho’s insecurity and worry so he smiles, hoping it’s a reassuring one.  
  
‘Yeah, I know. Don’t worry. It’s just… My friends are all in serious relationships, talking about getting married and having a family. I just wonder… ’  
  
Yunho is probably not going to give up so easily if he doesn’t give him anything worthwhile and it’s not exactly a lie.  
  
Yunho wraps an arm around Changmin’s shoulder.  
  
‘Aww… Our Changminnie is all grown up.’ Changmin snorts but Yunho goes on: ‘Don’t worry about that. Maybe we will be a bit older when we get to have our family but it’s not a race to the finish line. We can take our time and we will probably be as happy as anyone else.’  
  
Changmin smiles a bit. ‘Thanks, hyung,’ and, before Yunho can get smug, he adds: ‘I can always count on you to tell me mushy stories.’  
  
Yunho slaps lightly the back of his head —‘You brat’— before he gets up and goes back to his lyrics.  
  
Changmin catches himself rubbing his fingers against his lips and nearly sigh —he stops himself in time when Yunho throws him _a look_ —and lets himself fall onto the couch once again.  
  
He side-eyes his phone for a few minutes before he gets up to retrieve it. He glances at Yunho who now seems fully absorbed into his lyrics and finally opens the message.  
  
_are you ok? i got your jacket._  
  
Changmin lets out a small laugh and now Yunho is definitively looking at him as if he were crazy.  
  
Of course he was going to overthink things. He doesn’t delete the message however.  
  
  
º  
  
  
It’s the VS Arashi day and Changmin is waiting in the green room with his _Fly with the Gold_ co-stars after a rehearsal. To tell the truth, the games they have to play against Arashi are, though silly, quite fun but it doesn’t ease his nervousness.  
  
‘Stop tapping your fingers against the table. It will be fine.’  
  
Changmin stills his fingers and looks back at Tsumabuki. ‘I know.’  
  
He thinks Changmin is nervous because of the games but the rehearsal went fine and, really, he nailed the climbing, which is the only game he has a big part in.  
  
He hasn’t time ponder more when there’s a knock at the door, which opens to reveal Jun holding his jacket. Changmin stands up quickly, his chair falling to floor in a loud clang. His co-stars look at him quizzically and he apologizes.  
  
He bends down to pick up the chair to avoid looking at Jun. Jun seems to take the hint.  
  
‘Changmin-kun, I’m leaving your jacket on the table.’  
  
He hears Jun steps closer to him and gets up to nod, his eyes still downcast, and busies himself with the adjustment of the position of the chair.  
  
There is a pause before Jun wishes good luck to everyone and leaves the room. Changmin’s heart is beating more wildly than when he was climbing the damn wall. This is embarrassing.  
  
The others don’t dare to comment anything and finally it’s time for the shooting. Everything passes in a blur as Changmin does his best to not look like he would rather be anywhere else but there.  
  
Thankfully, he is not the star and it’s mostly Tsumabuki and Kiritani who talk with Arashi and the atmosphere is actually nice and relaxed. The place where he sits to watch the games is moderately far from Jun so he is slowly enjoying the bantering and cheering for his team.  
  
They win Dual Curling —in which the two teams do curling at the same time, it’s a rather clever concept— because Sakurai Sho fails miserably and Changmin wonders why they even let him play, not that Nishida is much better at it but Nishida doesn’t play those games every week. It has probably got to do with the way Sakurai seems to make fun of himself alongside the others, causing the studio to erupt in laughter, he thinks.  
  
They also manage to win Pinball Runner and Changmin snickers at the thought that Tsumabuki looked like a hamster when running on the belt trying to catch the falling balls.  
  
Then it’s time for the Cliff Climb and he is waiting with Kiritani at the bottom of the climbing wall. Sakurai comments that Kiritani has already completed the most difficult part of the wall perfectly so he is letting Changmin prove himself. Everyone laughs at Ninomiya’s comment that Kiritani is just lazy and pushing around his junior to avoid the dirty work.  
  
‘Well, I can see why though, with those long legs,’ Ninomiya adds.  
  
  
Changmin laughs, rubbing the back of his head, but his laughter strains when he hears Ninomiya asks Jun _since you are the tallest of the group_ to go stand next to Changmin so they can compare their legs.  
  
Changmin’s gaze flickers towards Jun who is now walking towards him. His breathing stops when Jun’s shoulder bumps against his as he stands next to him.  
  
The audience _oohs_ at Changmin’s legs and he feels a bit self-conscious.  
  
‘Are you happy Nino?’  
  
‘Aw… Jun-kun is embarrassed to be short.’  
  
‘Seriously? This is what you conclude?’ Jun advances towards Ninomiya who tries to hide behind Ohno, but it’s useless and soon it’s Ninomiya who is standing next to Changmin and the studio roars with laughter at the obvious height difference.  
  
Ninomiya pouts and Changmin bows to apologize but it just makes it worse since even when he is bowing, he remains taller. Ninomiya jokingly acts as if Changmin is too tall for him to slap before going back to his seat.  
  
Kiritani slaps Changmin in the back. ‘Our Changmin is always so serious.’  
  
Ninomiya’s joke made it possible for Changmin to relax a bit and he manages to somehow nail the climbing while ignoring Jun’s staring.  
  
However, everything goes wrong with Kicking Snipper as Mizobata is the only one to barely kick 20 points off a target. There are comments about how Arashi hopes they are better at stealing gold than kicking balls.  
  
The atmosphere is still light when they go to the next game but Changmin feels himself tense at the start of Rolling Coin Tower. Jun is right across him at the round table and his gaze makes it impossible for Changmin to concentrate, which is probably the skill most needed for the game.  
  
_It’s normal for him to look at him as I’m the one playing right now. It’s perfectly normal_ he says to himself in the middle of the game, but their eyes lock just as he is going to put a coin on the tower. Startled, his hand shakes. It’s slight but enough for him to knock the tower down.  
  
This is what makes them lose in the end and so Changmin apologizes profusely but everyone laughs and Sakurai jokes that this time his height was useless since he knocked the tower way before it got high. Changmin glances at Jun, who is for once not looking at him, and laughs along, relieved that the shooting is over.  
  
  
º  
  
  
Work has been so awkward —though only his mind, probably— that he decides to ask his co-stars if they want to go out for drinks. Except for Nishida, it turns out they do but, somehow, and if Changmin knew how (but it probably has to do with Kiritani being so damn friendly with them) this wouldn’t have happened, Arashi has been invited to come along.  
  
They agree and Changmin wants to curse at the people who decide the schedules, really. This means Jun will be there. Which means that his plan to escape from thinking of him is failing miserably. Escape. _Escape._  
  
‘Ah, I just remembered—‘  
  
Tsumabuki interrupts, putting an arm around his shoulders to pull him towards the exit, along the small group. ‘Oh no. it’s your idea and you’re coming with us.’  
  
‘But—‘  
  
‘Whatever, Changmin, not listening.’  
  
  
They go to the same bar and Changmin is careful not to drink at first but his fellow actors, Tsumabuki more fiercely and effectively than the others, bully him into drinking and while Nino is like him and refrains to drink — _lightweight_ shouts Aiba—, Aiba is crazy and nice and makes him drink, Sho also drinks a lot but has to leave early and apologizes probably too many times, and Ohno is mostly silent but once Asano hooks him to the topic of fish Changmin is surprised by the enthusiasm of his speech, and before he knows it he is drunk and Jun is looking at him with those eyes again and this is dangerous and when Aiba distracts Jun for a moment, Changmin mumbles something about getting some air. He gets up and takes his jacket this time —his keys, wallet and phone are in its pockets after all.  
  
Tsumabuki’s gaze follows him but he doesn’t say anything and his other co-stars don’t pay attention to him so he might be able to get away this time. He feels bad to be this impolite but Jun unnerves like no one before and he will apologize later on, blaming it on the alcohol and lack of sleep and—  
  
Lost in thoughts he runs into someone, stumbles and nearly falls if not for the hand holding his arm and steadying him.  
  
Jun’s, of course. Changmin’s temper flares and he pulls his arm out of Jun’s grasp before throwing him a dark glare and walking away.  
  
Jun doesn’t give up and follows him around while Changmin searches for a taxi. Changmin doesn’t give up either and so he determinately ignores him. Tries too. But somehow Jun climbs in the same taxi and doesn’t give him a chance to protest as he closes the door and tells the driver to drive away. Changmin can only gape as Jun gives the driver an address he doesn’t know.  
  
‘What are you doing?’ Changmin does his best to control his voice; he doesn’t want to make a fuss in front of the driver, but it raises a bit too high towards the end of the question and he is probably being too loud if Jun’s wince is any indication.  
  
Jun suddenly looks away as if he had lost his confidence but that can’t be, Changmin thinks. Who the fuck climbs in the same taxi of someone who is trying to avoid them?  
  
‘You looked unsteady and I didn’t want to leave you alone.’  
  
‘Oh really? So you are following me out of compassion and worry?’  
  
Jun had the decency to remain silent. Changmin can’t help but wonder what goes on through his mind. They stay silent for few minutes.  
  
‘I’m not a girl, you know.’  
  
Jun lets out a small laugh and finally looks at him. ‘Oh, I know.’  
  
Jun’s overall calmness is beginning to irk Changmin. ‘You know,’ he repeats, feeling his nerves beginning to fray, as if he were standing at the boarder of a precipice. ‘Then why?’  
  
‘I don’t want girls. I want you.’  
  
The response is simple and yet this is anything _but_ simple, and Changmin can feel himself hyperventilating. At least, it feels like it. ‘You can’t.’  
  
Jun only smiles at him and Changmin really wants to punch him but he is drunk, and thus probably uncoordinated, and they are in a taxi anyway.  
  
‘You can’t’ he says again and looks away, out of the window, trying to calm his breathing. He wipes his sweaty hands on his trousers. It doesn’t really work though because he can still see Jun, who is looking at him as if he were a puzzle _when the puzzle is Jun_ , reflected in the window.  
  
‘We have arrived.’  
  
Jun pays the driver; Changmin hears the exchange —keep the change— but he remains frozen until Jun opens the door on his side and offers his hand. Changmin ignores him as he steps out.  
  
‘Where are we?’  
  
The taxi pulls away and Jun’s hand slips on his elbow. He tries to lead him towards a high-rise building but Changmin wrenches himself out of his grasp. He is, after all, taller and stronger.  
  
Jun stares at him. ‘At my place—‘  
  
‘Why—‘  
  
‘—you can sleep on the bed. I’ll take the couch, don’t worry.’  
  
‘I…’ Changmin trips over his tongue.  
  
Jun starts walking, nearly reaching the door. ‘You coming?’  
  
He doesn’t know where he is. It’s November and fucking freezing outside. They are both men. He is taller and stronger anyway. Changmin ends up shrugging and stumbles —he might be drunker than he thought he was— the few steps that separate him from Jun.  
  
The hallway is silent. Changmin nearly falls asleep against the wall of the elevator. Jun shakes him awake and he follows him silently in the hall to his flat. He looks at the floor the whole way and hears Jun’s keys jiggle when he unlocks the door and pushes it open.  
  
‘Come in.’  
  
Changmin stops himself on the threshold and looks at Jun. Jun cocks his head sideways, an inquisitive look on his face. His eyes, though, are still dark and intense.  
  
Changmin might be drunker than he thought he was but maybe he isn’t and it is just an excuse. He could have not gone up to the home of someone he barely knows. He _is_ taller and stronger after all, even when slightly drunk. He can still leave, if he wants to. He could even punch Jun.  
  
Changmin sighs and Jun seems to sense his indecision so he reaches towards Changmin to grab his wrist and pulls him in. Changmin lets him and suddenly they are standing really close and Changmin has to close his eyes.  
  
He feels as Jun steps closer, one arm going past him to shut the door. The noise of the door closing makes him jump slightly but he stays where he is, breathing Jun’s scent in.  
  
The second kiss is similar to the first they had shared many days ago —Jun presses his lips softly against the corner of Changmin’s— except that it is Changmin that demands more and pushes Jun back, inside the flat. Changmin is quickly breathless as his tongue follows Jun’s. He has to clutch tightly at Jun’s shirt with each step they take after Jun has slid both their jackets until they fall onto the couch, Jun pulling Changmin down on top of him, their legs entangled.  
  
Jun pushes at Changmin’s shoulders, breaking the kiss.  
  
‘Is this ok?’  
  
For a second, he looks so vulnerable lying beneath Changmin, so breathtaking with his cheeks flushed and his lips red and wet from kissing that Changmin can’t seem to care anymore; doesn’t want to remember what troubled him so much earlier.  
  
Changmin smiles sincerely to Jun, probably for the first time, and Jun’s look of surprise takes him aback. If he hadn’t just seen the man brimming with confidence when he had given his address in the taxi, he would think that he is the one corrupting Jun. Except no one is corrupting anyone.  
  
Changmin kisses Jun and that does the trick because Jun’s hand pushes their hips together as he thrusts into Changmin, his moan muffled into Jun’s mouth. Jun’s other hand slips underneath Changmin’s shirt, his fingers slowly sliding up his back and Changmin closes his eyes and his hips buck into Jun’s.  
  
Changmin breaks the kiss and lets his head fall into the nook of Jun’s neck, inhaling deeply. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands but this is already too much so he simply rests them next to Jun, framing his head.  
  
The friction created by Jun’s hip movement against him is delicious. His breath is hot against Jun’s neck when Jun switches their position. Changmin is now lying beneath him as Jun hovers a few inches above, his weight on his knees on both side of Changmin.  
  
He kisses Changmin softly again and Changmin is going to protest over the lack of contact but Jun’s hand sneaks down. Changmin stops breathing when Jun’s hand is under his trousers, under his underwear, slowly caressing him with his fingertips.  
  
Changmin whines into the kiss, his hands in Jun’s hair, pulling him closer, and he feels Jun’s mouth stretch into a smile but he doesn’t go quicker and Changmin can’t control his hips that cant up in search of pressure. When Jun finally grasps his cock, Changmin can’t help but bite Jun’s lower lip and then Jun moves up and down and, even though Jun’s movement are restrained by the fabric and it’s awkward because of their height difference, Changmin gives up, lets himself go.  
  
His head falls back against the couch and his hands slide down Jun’s neck, his fingers intertwining themselves behind Jun’s nape. Jun follows him and rests his forehead against Changmin’s.  
  
Jun’s movements are firmer and his mouth trails down Changmin’s mouth to his ear and suddenly Changmin feels Jun panting, hot breath against his ear and he comes soundlessly, Jun’s hand moving up and down his cock a few more times to ease him through.  
  
Changmin’s hands fall from his neck to rest on Jun’s back. Jun drops a small kiss on Changmin’s nose before he reaches for the tissues that are on the coffee table. He cleans his hands and Changmin up. Then Jun tries to get up but Changmin’s hands firmly push him back down.  
  
‘I have to go throw them.’  
  
‘Just leave them next to the couch,’ Changmin mumbles, his eye-lids heavy.  
  
‘I—’  
  
But Changmin brings his knee up to Jun’s groin interrupting any discussion. Jun looks down at him and Changmin thinks he probably looks ridiculous, half-asleep, red, and soaked with sweat, but Jun seems to like what he sees and he carefully puts the tissues down on the floor.  
  
He presses their bodies together. Changmin’s body is mellow and Jun is warm against him so he lets Jun rock against him impatiently, never finding a regular rhythm, until Changmin feels him stop and tense.  
  
Jun’s lips are on his again for a few seconds before he relaxes on top of him. Jun’s weight is comforting, his breathing lulling Changmin into sleep, but Jun only stays that way for a few seconds before he gets up and wanders somewhere Changmin can’t see, though not before taking the tissues off the floor.  
  
Changmin rolls into his side, drawing his knees up. He is dozing off when a blanket is carefully placed on top of him.  
  
‘I’ll be in my room if you need me.’  
  
Changmin can’t be bothered to reply though he would like to say that he doesn’t know where the room is anyway and wasn’t _he_ supposed to have the bed?  
  
‘You can have it if you get up.’  
  
Maybe he said that last part aloud. Never mind. He is warm and comfortable and getting up would make his brain start thinking.  
  
‘’m fine.’  
  
He feels fingers against his hair and falls asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning Changmin wakes up with a start at the sound of his phone ringing and nearly falls off the couch. He looks around, a hand running through his hair in an attempt to clear his confusion. His jacket is folded neatly on top of the coffee table, his phone vibrating next to it. He grabs it.  
  
‘Where are you?’  
  
It’s Yunho and he sounds concerned.  
  
‘I…’ Flashes from the night comes back to his mind and Changmin feels himself half flushing and half panicking. ‘We went for a few drinks and I… some of us stayed over at Tsumabaki’s place to talk for a while and we fell asleep.’  
  
The lie rolls easily from his tongue and Changmin gets up, grabbing his jacket, making a start for the door.  
  
‘Oh, ok then.’  
  
Fresh air hits his face but he feels like crap when he closes the door behind him. ‘I’m not 16 anymore. You don’t need to check up on me.’  
  
He dashes down the street and manages to get a taxi.  
  
‘Yeah, I know. Sorry. Just… come directly to the rehearsal. I’ll bring you a change of clothes.’  
  
Changmin agrees before hanging up and giving the address to the driver.  
  
He fumbles with his phone for a while, wondering if he should send a message to Jun, inform him that he is gone, but decides against it and lets himself fall back into the seat with a sigh, rubbing his eyes.  
  
  
º  
  
  
When a few days later, after the photoshoot, Changmin receives Jun’s message, his chest fills with warmth at the same time that his throat tightens painfully. He still agrees to meet though.  
  
  
He feels a bit overwhelmed but he can’t exactly pinpoint why. Maybe it’s because he is lying to Yunho though it’s most probably because he is having a fling with a _man_ and he knows he shouldn’t. If this breaks out his career is, most certainly, going right into a dead end and it is highly likely that his parents would kill him or something similar.  
  
Still. He can’t stop himself from carefully selecting clothes that showcase his legs. He can’t stop the flutter of excitement inside his chest as he stands in front of Jun’s door and rings the doorbell.  
  
Jun smiles at him when he opens the door. Changmin’s brought a bottle of red wine so he hands it to Jun before stepping inside, taking his shoes off. Jun signals the couch for Changmin to sit in and Changmin can’t help the sudden images that pop into his head at the reminder of what they did on that couch. He takes his coat off and lays it on the back of the couch before sitting on it.  
  
Jun brings back the bottle open as well as two wine glasses. They start drinking, sitting next to each other but Changmin can’t seem to find any topic of conversation and he can’t stop fiddling with his glass until Jun stops him, a hand pressed against his, and Changmin puts the glass back on the coffee table. Then Jun is finally leaning in.  
  
The kiss is anything but sweet this time and Jun is pulling him to his feet, steering him towards the bedroom, their glasses of wine forgotten on the coffee table.  
  
This time they pause as they enter the room and Jun lets Changmin run his fingers down his neck to his shirt and unbuttons it. His hands are slightly shaky but he finally slides the shirt off Jun’s shoulder. Jun’s waist seems slightly too thin but he guesses he must also look a bit wiry himself.  
  
He lays his hand flat on Jun’s chest and slides it until it rests on Jun’s left. He can feel Jun’s heartbeat quicken under his fingers when he steps closer and licks a strip of skin on his neck. Jun’s hands fly up to Changmin, digging into his sides so Changmin repeats the motion, progressively moving down Jun’s chest until he reaches the edge of his trousers and falls onto his knees, Jun’s hands sliding in his hair.  
  
Changmin looks up and sees Jun biting his lips as Changmin opens his trousers and slides them down along with his underwear. Changmin pauses, uncertain, and Jun takes the opportunity to step out from his clothes. He makes Changmin stand up and guides him towards the bed.  
  
Jun stops pulling Changmin once they reach the edge of the bed and climbs on it by himself. Changmin look at Jun curiously as he fumbles in the drawer next to the bed and takes out condoms. He turns to look at Changmin.  
  
‘Strawberry or mint flavored?’  
  
But Changmin knows it’s not only about the flavor that Jun is asking. Changmin swallows. ‘Mint.’  
  
‘You sure?’  
  
‘Mint,’ Changmin repeats, his voice steadier.  
  
Jun rips the package open and puts the condom on before scooting back to where Changmin is standing and sitting at the edge of the bed. He takes Changmin’s hand and pulls him forward into a kiss.  
  
Changmin slowly falls on his knees without breaking the kiss, wanting it to last until he is ready. One of his hands comes to rest on one side of Jun’s lap while the other hovers above Jun’s thigh until it reaches for his cock. It feels weird to be holding a cock that’s not his. He applies some pressure and is pleased when Jun’s moan is muffled by his mouth.  
  
His mouth finally releases Jun’s. He licks his lips before he bends forward and gives a tentative lick. It tastes strongly of latex but there’s an agreeable hint of mint mixed to it. Changmin takes the tip in his mouth and he can feel Jun’s thighs tense so he slowly takes Jun’s cock further into his mouth, careful of his teeth.  
  
As slowly as his mouth slid on Jun, he slides off. He repeats the unhurried movements several times and sees how Jun’s fists are clenching the sheets. He accelerates a bit but nearly chokes when he overestimates his capacity to take it in. He slides off quickly and takes huge gulps of air. Jun’s hands are running through his hair soothingly.  
  
Once he is able to breathe properly, Jun pulls him towards his chest and they fall together on the bed.  
  
‘You’re overdressed.’  
  
Jun pulls at Changmin’s shirt and Changmin sits up, straddling Jun, to take it off before he leans back down and kisses Jun, enjoying the feel of their naked chests pressed together. Jun kisses back fiercely while stroking Changmin’s face. He breaks it off slowly, his tongue lingering on the corner of Changmin’s lips.  
  
‘Take off your trousers.’  
  
Changmin complies quickly, nearly tripping on one of the legs of his trousers with his haste, and then he is back on top of Jun and Jun impatiently pushes their hips together.  
  
Changmin largely prefer the sensation of their hips undulating together than to give head. It had felt weird —dirty— nearly disgusting if it hadn’t been for the mint flavor and Jun’s moans and shivers.  
  
It’s still a bit overwhelming to feel Jun’s body pressed against his, their cocks sliding against one another. And since Jun is still wearing the condom, wet from his spit, sliding is easier and so they pick up the pace.  
  
Changmin’s hard-on that had disappeared during his attempt at blowing Jun reawakens and then he looks into Jun’s eyes and it’s too much. He feels a tremor running through his lower lip and his eyes are starting to sting.  
  
 _What the fuck is he doing?_  
  
And suddenly a tear drops from his eye onto Jun’s cheek and they both stop moving. Jun makes them sit up, Changmin in his lap, hugging him, while Changmin controls his tears, swallowing them back.  
  
‘Is this too fast?’  
  
Jun’s tone betrays his worry but Changmin knows what he wants in the end and never before has he cared about going too fast and so he kisses Jun fast and wet and palms his cock until Jun is gasping in his mouth.  
  
Jun breaks the kiss, breathless, his forehead resting on Changmin’s. Changmin can feel Jun’s small puff of breaths against his face and he sees how Jun seems to be weighting their options for a few seconds.  
  
‘Then, want to do me?’  
  
Changmin is startled and Jun tightens his hold on his waist.  
  
‘I’ve never…’  
  
‘I couldn’t possibly have guessed that.’  
  
At the sarcastic tone, Changmin playfully shoves him until Jun is back on his back, and nods, dropping a kiss on Jun’s cheek.  
  
Jun gives a new condom to Changmin and while Changmin puts it on, he takes his own off. He also grabs the lubricant and pours a generous amount on his fingers before he lies on his stomach, his ass up in the air, and slowly inserts a finger inside himself and then another.  
  
Changmin doesn’t know what to think of it —it’s arousing to see Jun being so shameless but on the other end the actual act doesn’t seem pleasant in the slightest— until he finds himself between Jun’s spread legs and then he feels a surge of desire he has never felt before, not even with his first love, or perhaps particularly not with his first love.  
  
This seems far removed from his ideals of love but he doesn’t care anymore that it feels dirty and wrong as long as he gets to touch Jun’s skin. He bites his lip, hesitating slightly.  
  
‘Don’t worry. I’m not made of glass.’  
  
Jun urges him by crossing his legs against Changmin’s back and pulling him forward a bit though he doesn’t insist, letting Changmin control the pace. Changmin moves forward and it feels unbearably tight and hot around him. Changmin stares as Jun’s eyes fall closed and his lips part open soundlessly.  
  
Jun’s hand reaches for his own cock between their bodies and the groan he lets out just right next to Changmin’s ear undoes him enough that it only takes him a few thrusts to come.  
  
He blushes, an apology on his lips, but Jun kisses him hard to stop him from speaking and guides his hand to his erection. Changmin pulls out from Jun and lets himself fall next to Jun. Jun seems to understand the intention and rolls onto his left. Changmin spoons Jun, his hand on Jun’s cock, covered by Jun’s hand, and he mouths along the curve of Jun’s spine until Jun finally comes with a gasp.  
  
Changmin nuzzles Jun’s neck as he breathes harshly, trying to regain his breath. He turns around and drops a small kiss on Changmin’s forehead before he gets up to clean them up. This time, however, he comes back to lie next to Changmin and Changmin slowly pulls him towards his chest as Jun embraces him.  
  
  
The next morning Changmin wakes up to fresh coffee. It feels awkward, still, and Changmin realizes that this is probably what casual sex feels like. He doesn’t mind. Relationships are too difficult in their world. He pauses, his cup lifted mid-air, why is he even thinking about relationship. This is only dirty sex.  
  
He gulps down his coffee, avoiding Jun’s eyes the whole time, and takes advantage when Jun’s in the shower to scribble a _thanks_ on a piece of paper and escape.  
  
  
º  
  
  
They meet a few times after that. Jun sends him texts similar to the first one and Changmin goes to Jun’s home, it’s easier since he lives alone, but he doesn’t bring wine anymore and they don’t really talk as they stumble to bed — they’ve tried in the shower once but Changmin is a water hog and the bed is far more comfortable.  
  
It’s mostly them rubbing against each other, blow jobs on Jun’s part and hand jobs on Changmin’s. All stuff that require the minimum amount of effort as Changmin’s schedule becomes heavier and they are both too tired to do anything else than fall into a sort of routine.  
  
It’s not boring though and Changmin always feel a sort of trepidation when he waits for the elevator to go up to Jun’s floor though Changmin always wakes before Jun to avoid any awkwardness and to come back before Yunho wakes up.  
  
  
It’s been a month since this whole thing started when Jun comes into the green room. They are alone but even though Changmin knows it’s not going to last long and that Yunho could be back sooner than expected, he lets Jun kiss him and back him into a wall because the desperation in Jun’s eyes contrasts with his fake nonchalance.  
  
‘We shouldn’t—’  
  
But Jun silences him with a kiss and one of his hands slides underneath Changmin’s shirt. Changmin shivers against the fingertips and grips at Jun’s shoulders, torn between pushing him away and clinging to the warmth.  
  
The sound of the door opening chooses for him and he pushes Jun away.  
  
It’s too late. Yunho’s eyes widen and his mouth falls open. Changmin can see the misunderstanding take form in Yunho’s expression, his mouth in a thin line, and before he can do anything Yunho strides to Jun and punches him in the face.  
  
Jun’s hand flies to his split lip, his eyes hardening, and he tries to punch Yunho back but Changmin is there first, holding his fist.  
  
‘Stop it.’  
  
Changmin untightens Jun’s fingers, forcing them open and pushes him towards the door. Jun throws him a worried glance but Changmin only nods and closes the door behind him.  
  
Yunho nearly runs to him and holds him by his shoulders.  
  
‘What’s this Changmin? Was he forcing himself on you?’ Changmin feels Yunho’s fingers dig into his skin. ‘This disgusting fag.’  
  
The words startle Changmin. He feels afraid and suddenly he knows why he has lied to Yunho all this while. He knows Yunho is more or less ok with fanservice since he loves making their fans happy but anything else beyond that and he is like Changmin was, disgusted.  
  
Changmin wishes he wasn’t like that. Wishes he had never met Jun. Hates Jun for a second but knows it’s not his fault and really he hates himself for letting everyone down, his family and Yunho, who is like his family.  
  
Still. Even though he is afraid and tempted to avoid Yunho’s look of disappointment, and hopefully nothing worse than that, he knows that he can’t let Yunho think that Jun was abusing him.  
  
Yunho presses on, shaking him slightly by his shoulders. ‘Is this why you were uncomfortable? Why you were avoiding him? I’m going to kill him.’  
  
‘No, Yunho, stop. Jun—’  
  
‘Jun?’ repeats Yunho, startled by the familiarity with which Changmin says the name.  
  
‘—has done nothing wrong.’  
  
Yunho let go off Changmin and looks at him, really looks at him. ‘What do you mean?’  
  
Changmin forces himself to look him in the eyes.  
  
‘This is consensual. We have a sort of casual relationship.’  
  
‘When you say casual, you mean sexual.’  
  
It’s not really a question. Changmin stays silent.  
  
‘Fuck.’ Yunho breathes heavily and knocks a chair onto the floor. He looks back at Changmin, his eyes wide with anger this time. ‘How could you?’  
  
Changmin is starting to feel desperate as the situation slides further away from his ideal scenario. ‘It’s not like I choose to!’  
  
‘Yes, it is. You can choose not to have sex with a man.’ Yunho steps back towards Changmin. ‘Do you know how dangerous that is? Do you know what that would do to us? Fanservice is fine and all but anything beyond that is… unnatural, dangerous and… disgusting.’  
  
Changmin stays silent and he has to look away.  
  
Yunho reaches to him but Changmin steps away. ‘Changmin… Say something.’  
  
‘What do you want me to stay?’ His voice is raw and he turns away when he feels tears threatening to spill but he goes on: ‘That I just lied and that it’s not real? That I regret it and that I will stop? That I am sorry for being who I am?’  
  
Suddenly he feels angry too, at Yunho but mostly at himself, and he turns to face Yunho. ‘Fuck you.’  
  
He can’t take it and leaves, nearly slamming the door but he stops himself because that’s childish and it’s not Yunho’s fault that Changmin has never been quite right.  
  
  
He doesn’t know what to do but Jun will know. On the way to his green room, he runs into Ninomiya, who throws him an odd glance. Changmin clenches his teeth, contains his emotions and asks to know where _Matsumoto-san_ is.  
  
‘His lower lip is bleeding and starting to bruise’, Ninomiya answers, lifting an eyebrow. ‘Care to explain?’  
  
‘It’s… complicated.’  
  
‘I bet it is.’  
  
It’s not really irony. It’s more like Ninomiya is tired. He nods towards their green room. ‘Jun isn’t alone though.’  
  
Changmin mumbles a small _thanks_ , strides over the green room and knocks on the door.  
  
He can feel Ninomiya’s gaze on him and it unnerves him further. He wants to yell to the world that they should just leave him alone and stay the hell out of his business. He tries to quell the rage as best as he can but his patience is snapping and he doesn’t wait an answer to open the door.  
  
Jun is sitting on a couch applying a compress to his face. Aiba is next to him, and to the looks of it, trying to make him spill the story. They both look at him as he enters.  
  
He ignores Aiba’s greetings, grabs Jun’s wrists and pulls him out of the room. Jun lets him, looking back at Aiba and telling him not to worry.  
  
Ninomiya’s eyebrows go up when they pass next to him. ‘Complicated huh.’  
  
‘I’ll explain later,’ Jun answers and doesn’t have time to say anything more as Changmin’s tugging becomes more insistent, his fingers digging into Jun’s wrist.  
  
Changmin pulls them into a room that he knows is empty and locks the door. He lets go of the wrist and turns away. He tries to control his temper but fails and ends up whirling around to stare at Jun, who is still applying the compress to his face, looking back at him calmly.  
  
Changmin grabs him by the collar of his shirt and pushes him against the door, hard.  
  
‘What the fuck where you thinking? Kissing me like this… where Yunho could find us.’ Changmin breathes harshly. ‘This is all your fault.’  
  
Jun shrugs but Changmin can feel him tensing against his fist.  
  
‘Are you going to hit me too?’  
  
That does the trick and Changmin lets go, stumbling back. He rubs at his eyes, his anger slowly draining away.  
  
Jun sighs and engulfs Changmin into a tight hold. Changmin breathes in Jun’s soothing scent and relaxes a bit. He doesn’t dare looking at him though. He can only grab his back and ask for forgiveness into Jun’s shirt.  
  
His excuses are sincere but as he utters them he realizes that Yunho is right and that this is dangerous and that he should probably stop. This has to be the last time he can be so close to Jun, tightly pressed against him.  
  
He is at a dead end. His head spins at the realization.  
  
He pulls back from the embrace and crushes his lips against Jun’s. Jun gasps in surprise and Changmin takes the opportunity to invade his mouth while backing Jun against the door once again.  
  
Changmin can’t seem to stop himself even when the metallic taste of blood assaults his mouth as he sucks on Jun’s abused lips. And when Jun pushes against him for some air, Changmin presses hot kisses against his neck and runs his hands underneath Jun’s shirt.  
  
‘Changmin… what—’  
  
Changmin bites his neck, not caring if it leaves a mark, and unbuttons Jun’s trousers. Jun tries to stop him but Changmin pins his hands above his head with his other hand.  
  
‘Is this angry make-up sex?’  
  
But then Changmin’s hand is underneath his underwear, stroking him firmly, and Jun’s head falls against the door with a thud.  
  
Changmin’s hand doesn’t relent even when the door knob rattles next to them.  
  
‘Jun?’  
  
At the sound of Ninomiya’s voice, Changmin’s grip turns tighter, his pace quickening, and he watches as Jun bites his lower lip to silence a gasp.  
  
‘I’m… fine.’  
  
‘You sure?’  
  
Changmin starts sucking at Jun’s earlobe and he feels Jun’s wrists twist into his hold.  
  
‘Yeah.’ Jun breathes out.  
  
Changmin’s hand is starting to ache but he doesn’t stop. His grip on Jun’s wrists loosens but Jun isn’t really trying to free himself as much as he is trying to hold himself up by leaning on the door.  
  
Changmin’s teeth gently pinch Jun’s earlobe before releasing his ear and then Changmin is whispering against it.  
  
‘Thank you.’  
  
Jun’s hands fly from his grasp to wound themselves up tight around Changmin’s shoulders as he tenses and spills himself on Changmin’s hand.  
  
He is breathless for a few seconds, staring at Changmin, wide-eyed.  
  
Changmin gently takes his hand out of Jun’s underwear, tucking him back, zips his trousers up, and gestures at a box of tissues that is resting on a table near them. Jun’s arms slip off Changmin’s shoulders and he slowly slides down the door to the floor.  
  
Changmin cleans his hand with a tissue that he drops into the bin next to the door.  
  
‘Changmin, what—’  
  
Changmin kneels down in front of Jun and licks at his wound before softly pressing his lips against Jun’s.  
  
He doesn’t want to let go but he has to so he steps away and helps Jun up. He unlocks the door but Jun grabs his elbow as he reaches for the door knob so he says it.  
  
‘Let’s not see each other anymore.’  
  
Changmin takes advantage of Jun’s stunned silence to open the door but Jun is quick to tighten his hold on him.  
  
‘What are you talking about?’  
  
Jun tugs at him to make Changmin face him but Changmin stares resolutely at the door.  
  
‘Just that. Let’s stop seeing each other.’  
  
This time Jun’s hand falls away from Changmin’s elbow as Changmin pushes the door open and leaves.  
  
He ignores Ninomiya, who is playing with his DS a few steps away, and quickly makes his way to the green room.  
  
  
Yunho is sitting at the table reading but Changmin knows better as he sees Yunho’s right leg twitching, his foot hitting the floor in a regular rhythm.  
  
Changmin lets himself fall on the chair at the opposite side of the table. Yunho’s eyes don’t leave the sheet of paper —probably lyrics— even when Changmin clears his throat. Changmin still looks fixedly at him; the choice he has made is as much for himself as it is for Yunho after all.  
  
‘I won’t see him ever again.’ His voice is somehow still hoarse.  
  
Yunho looks up, surprised and, after a second, conflicted. Maybe he thought the decision would take more time, maybe he though the decision would be something else.  
  
‘I’m sorry for earlier. I lost my cool.’  
  
Changmin knows he isn’t really apologizing for what he said but for how he said it. Changmin nods anyway. ‘Maybe you should apologize to Matsumoto-san?’  
  
Yunho tenses at the name but probably knows that’s what he should do. ‘I will. After all, this is pretty much a misunderstanding.’  
  
This makes Changmin wants to shake Yunho until he sees it’s not and that Changmin really wanted that thing he had but Yunho goes on: ‘It’s the right choice.’  
  
He relaxes back in his chair. ‘And that wasn’t like you at all so I’m glad you recovered your senses.’  
  
Changmin nods again even though he wants to shout that _how does he know how he is like_ but he shuts up for the sake of their friendship and career.  
  
Yunho gets up and pats Changmin’s shoulder warmly. ‘I’m glad it’s settled then.’ He squeezes it before letting go. ‘I’ll go see what’s taking so long. We’re going to be late in the schedule.’  
  
‘I’m glad too,’ Changmin mutters as the door closes behind Yunho. The sound of the door shutting resonates in his head and he can’t breathe.  
  
  
º  
  
  
Thankfully, a whole month goes by without Changmin meeting any members of Arashi —probably something to do with his frequent flights back to Korea— but his luck runs out one day he and Yunho are walking in a corridor of NTV.  
  
Changmin knows that Yunho’s apology to Jun came in form of interposed managers. He had been a bit miffed that Yunho hadn’t done it personally but now that Changmin sees how Yunho and Jun glare at each other, he is glad they have never been left alone together to talk. Jun avoids his eyes altogether. His face has healed and it’s as nothing ever happened.  
  
He and Yunho politely bow to them. They all nod back except for Ninomiya, who throws a dark look full of venom at Changmin, as he walks past him. It reminds Changmin that the thing between him and Jun has indeed happened and he was the one to break it up.  
  
  
That night, Changmin keeps rolling back and forth on his bed, his legs entangled in the blanket, until he is staring at the ceiling. The preparation of a come-back in Korea had managed to distract him from his thoughts and when it hadn’t been enough he would go to the gym for a good hour to sweat out his frustration.  
  
But seeing him again makes it that much more difficult to control himself.  
  
He rolls onto his stomach and buries his head in the pillow. He sees the curve of Jun’s neck and remembers the way he bit it and he is suddenly glad his groan is muffled by the pillow. He remembers how Jun’s Adam’s apple bobbed under his fingers when Jun swallowed him as far as his throat would allow him.  
  
Without knowing it, Changmin’s hips are thrusting against the mattress and he glides his hand down the bottom of his pajamas, his fingers encircling his cock in a loose hold. His hips’ thrusts quicken as he pictures the first time Jun jerked him off on the couch and it doesn’t take him long to come.  
  
He takes his hand out his pajamas and wipes it on a corner of the blanket before rolling to the opposite side. ‘Fuck.’  
  
  
º  
  
  
The next night Changmin figures he won’t be able to sleep either so he decides to go out for a while. Yunho throws him a suspicious glance as Changmin walks towards the front door in very tight trousers and an expensive piercing on his ear but doesn’t say anything.  
  
That he chooses Rainy Night has nothing to do with Jun and everything to do with the lack of paparazzi, the nice atmosphere and friendly bartenders. He still chooses a spot at the bar so that he is close to the entrance to see the people enter.  
  
He fiddles with his phone as the bartender serves him his first gin tonic. He knows he is kidding himself when he tells himself he doesn’t want to see Jun so he gulps down his drink, hoping to drown both the dread and the hope of meeting him, and asks for another one.  
  
Changmin stares at his phone’s screen when his fingers scroll down and stops on Jun. He hasn’t deleted the number even though he said to Yunho that he would. He had figured that it was pretty harmless anyway and that Yunho didn’t need to know but now he is thinking that maybe he should, if being at a bar full of people, ignoring them and staring at a number of a past relationship for the whole night is any indication.  
  
He presses the delete option but hesitates at the request of confirmation — _delete or cance_ l— when a hand brushes against his shoulder and comes to rest on the counter, right next to him.  
  
‘Mind if I sit here?’  
  
Changmin whirls around, his heart beating wildly, but of course it’s not Jun and he tries not to feel disappointed. He still presses _cancel_ though.  
  
It’s a beautiful woman, the kind he has always liked, tall with long dark hair and a beauty mark on the tip of her nose so he nods and she sits next to him.  
  
Changmin puts his phone away in his pocket and offers to buy her a drink. Her eyes crinkle as she smiles happily. He downs his drink and asks for two glasses of red wine.  
  
He doesn’t really listen to her as she speaks and Changmin figures it’s not fair since she seems genuinely interesting but he can only think of the weight of Jun’s number in his pocket. So when their glasses are empty and he feels the alcohol buzz through his head, he bends down next to her ear.  
  
‘Your place?’  
  
She looks startled but Changmin takes it as a good sign that she hasn’t slapped him yet. She nods but once in the taxi she gives the address of hotel and Changmin doesn’t really care. His fingers are tracing patterns on the stretch of skin that peaks out from between her dress and her stockings.  
  
He pays for the room cash and sloppily kisses her in the elevator. He is probably too drunk to be good but she doesn’t seem to mind and this is oddly exciting. He has had several girlfriends and likes to flirt but he has never really had a lot of casual sex.  
  
 _Aside from Jun_ , his mind supplies. He puts his hand between her legs though still on top of her dress and she whimpers, half pushing him away, half clinging to him.  
  
They make it to the room without too many stumbles and she helps him open the door, a warm hand on top of his shaky hand.  
  
‘I should take a shower—’ but Changmin pushes her to the bed and climbs on top of her. He licks at her neck, sucks on her skin, while his hands sneaks under her dress and he slides her panties down. He tosses them on the floor as she grabs her handbag, which is next to her on the bed, and takes out a condom. Changmin takes it and she lets her bag fall on the floor.  
  
While he puts the condom on, his trousers and boxers only half-way down, he can feel her gaze on him. When he is finished, he looks up at her and she licks her lips so he makes her turn around on her stomach. At her sound of protest, he nibbles on her throat and slides one hand underneath her to stroke her breasts.  
  
Changmin is too impatient so he pushes her legs open, her dress riding up and uncovering her ass, which he pulls up a bit, before he slowly enters her.  
  
She moans and, as he pulls out, she tugs the hand on her breasts to her lips and licks the tip of two of his fingers before sucking on them and Changmin doesn’t think he can last long so he slams back in and sets a fast pace.  
  
Her hips move up to join him half-way and he pulls his hand away from her mouth to slide it down underneath her once again. This time, however, his hand goes further down and it’s easy to stroke her with her spit on his fingers and he must be doing something right because she is twisting beneath him and clenching around him.  
  
He pushes deep inside her one more time before coming and his vision is hazier than before but he is still inside of her, shallowly thrusting, and doesn’t stop stroking her until she tenses against him and lets out a small cry.  
  
He pulls out and falls beside her. He is still wearing his jacket and it’s unbearably hot and sweaty.  
  
She rolls over and presses a kiss against Changmin’s cheek. He pulls away and gets up, his phone still burning a hole in his pocket. He takes off the condom —making himself presentable, which isn’t much work since he is nearly fully clothed— and twists it into a knot before wrapping it in a complementary tissue and shoving it into his pocket.  
  
‘I’m leaving. You should stay half an hour longer before leaving.’  
  
She looks at him wide-eyed, her make-up slightly smudged around their corner, but she seems sated and content.  
  
‘I will. That was fun.’  
  
Changmin doesn’t respond and once he has closed the door behind him, he leans against it and slides down to the floor.  
  
He hasn’t really sobered up and the sex has only left him wanting for more. Before he knows it, he is typing and sending a message to Jun.  
  
 _I want you._  
  
  
º  
  
  
Yunho is shaking him awake and he groans in his pillow, swatting his hands away. He suddenly feels cold and looks up to see Yunho holding part of his blanket. He feels queasy and hides his head in the pillow again.  
  
‘I’m up. Gimme back—’  
  
‘You’re not up since you’re still lying down. I’m giving you three minutes before I drop cold water on you.’  
  
Yunho leaves but Changmin doesn’t doubt he will come if he doesn’t move. His tone was joking but Changmin is pretty sure he wouldn’t hesitate to execute his threat so he slowly pushes himself up and out of bed.  
  
His gaze falls on his discarded clothes next to the bed —he is only wearing his boxers— and the memory of last night is clear in his mind. He wants to drop back into bed and hide beneath his pillow and never ever get up but he forces himself to take his jacket.  
  
With a grimace he takes the tissue that contains the condom out of one of his pockets and throws it into a bin. Surprisingly, that was the easy part.  
  
He fishes his phone out of the other pocket.  
  
There’s no new message and he doesn’t know if he feels relieved or disappointed. He still checks his message history just to be sure he hasn’t dreamed it but no, he has indeed sent a message to Jun yesterday, at 10.23pm.  
  
‘If you want to take a shower, which I suggest you do, it’s now or never,’ Yunho says to him leaning on the door frame. ‘We leave in 20 minutes. You can eat in the car.’  
  
Changmin is grateful they have a fully packed schedule today. He is also glad that Yunho is not commenting on his obvious hangover and taking care of him in his own way.  
  
  
It’s only when he gets back home, exhausted, and falls in bed sleepily that he thinks of checking his phone again. He doesn’t expect anything which is why he nearly drops it when he sees the message.  
  
 _indecisive jerk. tomorrow, my place, 10pm._  
  
Changmin’s insides are fuzzy when he notices there’s no interrogation mark at the end of the message.


	3. Chapter 3

  
Changmin is standing dumbly in front of the door. He looks at his watch. 9.33pm. He is half an hour early, which is why Jun is not yet home. At least he hopes that’s why.  
  
He waits for a few minutes but decides to leave and come back later. It would be rather awkward if a neighbor caught him there.  
  
He pinches his lips as he waits for the elevator and his heart nearly jumps out of his chest when the doors open to reveal Jun.  
  
Jun is wearing sunglasses but Changmin guesses he is startled to see him there by the way his eyebrows lift slightly. Changmin steps aside to let Jun exit the elevator.  
  
‘You’re early,’ Jun says but doesn’t wait for an answer and Changmin follows him.  
  
Everything seems the same as Changmin enters and takes his shoes off, pads inside towards the couch and leaves his jacket on the back of it. Except Changmin knows it’s not true and he doesn’t know what to do to dispel the awkwardness that has settled in. He doesn’t follow Jun as he disappears into the kitchen but doesn’t sit down either until Jun comes back holding a bottle of wine and two glasses.  
  
‘I’m going to take a shower and change. Just… watch tv or something.’  
  
Changmin nods but once Jun is gone he stands up and look around the room. He has never paid much attention to the place —too busy staring at Jun’s lips, he guesses.  
  
There is not much stuff but everything seems to have its proper place. All the furniture is modern but Changmin restrain himself from chuckling at some pieces that borders the realm of tasteless.  
  
He hears the shower getting turned on. It reminds him why he is here and his grin falls away. He licks his lips. He wants to join Jun but knows that he has already pushed his luck by, well, being a jerk and then arriving early. It’s best that Jun sets the pace.  
  
Changmin looks around some more until he crouches down next to the tv where there is a shelf full of dvds. There are dvds from Michael Jackson’s concerts and other artists but unsurprisingly, the first row is dedicated to Arashi: concerts, films, dramas and dvds that look like recordings from various tv stations. Variety stuff, probably, and he picks their latest concert up. Beautiful World, it says on the cover.  
  
He has never watched anything from them except for the odd performances and variety show. He pops it into the dvd player, turns on the tv and presses play.  
  
Jun is gorgeous under the rain, shouting the introduction, but his face and the smoke from the fireworks are not enough to distract Changmin from the awfully shiny gold and red — _are those feathers? what are those strings of fabric even supposed to be?_ — outfits. He pauses the dvd to better look at the monstrosities — _there’s some silver rhinestones too_ — and thanks the gods to have the stylists they have.  
  
He presses play again and sits on the floor, close to the screen. He is curious to know if all the outfits are going to be this cringe-worthy; but really he can only admire Jun’s confidence, if it were him, he would be hiding behind Yunho the whole time.  
  
Then there is a close-up shot of Jun’s face and Changmin pauses to look at the genuinely happy expression he is sporting. He follows the curve of his smile with his fingertips, not caring if he is leaving traces on the screen, when he suddenly realizes he has never seen this bright smile on Jun’s face before. Jun looks so boyish and young and it startles him when he realizes that he wants that smile to be directed to him.  
  
Jun clears his throat. Changmin snatches his fingers back, nearly knocking down the expensive-looking tv in the process, and feels his face warm up. He is unable to turn around to look at Jun.  
  
‘I… I was looking at your concert.’  
  
Jun chuckles and it seems his mood has lightened up and it’s maybe because of the shower, or maybe because Changmin is making a fool out of himself but if Changmin had to guess, he would pick the latter. It doesn’t really matter; he is just relieved that the awkwardness is gone.  
  
It doesn’t mean he isn’t embarrassed though.  
  
‘I can see that.’  
  
Changmin wants the earth to swallow him whole but then Jun is coming towards and he feels his heart beat painfully with each step that Jun takes.  
  
Changmin is still sitting on the floor, his back to Jun, when he feels Jun’s hands slowly slide down his shoulders to hold him into a loose hug, as he kneels down behind him, and rest his chin on Changmin’s shoulder  
  
He is still wet and droplets are running down Changmin’s nape into his shirt and Changmin shivers. Jun drops a kiss on his neck and Changmin turns around to slide his tongue inside Jun’s warm mouth to meet Jun’s.  
  
He is pleased to see that Jun is only wearing a bathrobe. It is easy to slide a hand inside, against Jun’s chest, and reach for a nipple and caress it softly. He has to stop when Jun makes him lift his arms to slide his own shirt off but once it falls on the floor Jun’s lips are on Changmin’s and he pushes Changmin to the floor, straddling him. Changmin’s hands are on his chest but not for long as Jun grabs his hands and shoves them against the floor, framing Changmin’s head. He breaks the kiss with one last lick to Changmin’s lips.  
  
‘If you pull that off again I swear I’m never letting you touch me again. Ever.’  
  
Jun’s eyes are angry and Changmin probably deserves it but he really wants to touch him right now and so he nods at the same time that he struggles against Jun’s hands. Jun’s gaze softens and his grip finally loosens. Changmin lift his hands to brush the droplets of water off Jun’s face and his hands tangles in the wet hair to pull him down in a near kiss.  
  
‘If you want, you can…’ Changmin breathes against Jun’s lips.  
  
Jun presses a kiss before answering. ‘I can what?’  
  
Changmin thrusts against him and Jun lifts an eyebrow. Changmin looks away because damn it he is not going to say it.  
  
‘You know. Don’t make me say it.’ He nearly shoves Jun off but Jun is pressing kisses on his jaw so he lets the teasing go. ‘Only if you want though.’  
  
‘Oh of course I want but…’  
  
Jun is too nice with him and Changmin doesn’t want that he wants rough and nasty and not smiling, because he doesn’t deserve nice right now.  
  
He sits up, Jun on his lap, and tries to lift him as he stands up but he nearly topples over before Jun puts his feet on the ground and helps him stand. He laughs at him so Changmin kisses him to shut him up and guides him backwards towards the bedroom. The bathrobe falls somewhere along the way as do Changmin’s trousers and boxers.  
  
Jun nearly falls when the back of his legs hit the edge of the bed but Changmin steadies him and he manages to sit down. He looks up at him.  
  
‘Do you still want to?’  
  
‘Yeah…’  
  
Changmin sits down next to Jun, brushing against his shoulder, but then Jun crawls on the bed, and Changmin follows him. He holds his waist from behind as Jun reaches for lubricant and a condom.  
  
‘Do you want to stretch yourself or should I…’  
  
‘Ah. Just do it.’  
  
He lets go of Jun.  
  
‘This is embarrassing.’ He mumbles but Jun doesn’t hear him and he buries his head into the pillow as he lies on his stomach.  
  
Jun slides a pillow beneath his hips. His finger is slick and cold as the tip enters Changmin and it’s not the nicest feeling ever but Jun is really gentle and slow about it. Changmin finds himself blushing and whimpers in the pillow.  
  
‘Am I hurting you?’  
  
Changmin thinks that Jun is just not capable of hurting him so he pushes back against the finger and then it does hurt but that’s ok.  
  
‘No, it doesn’t just.. the second finger…’  
  
Jun doesn’t comply with his request immediately —maybe he reads him better than he thinks— and moves his first finger a bit more before inserting the second, still slowly and full of care. This time Changmin doesn’t push back against it because he feels stretched and it’s uncomfortable and he really wonders why people do this kind of stuff, really.  
  
‘Relax.’  
  
And Changmin is trying really, but yeah, there are two fingers in a place he thought no one would ever touch. Jun stops moving his fingers and slowly caresses his backside and brushes a kiss against one of his cheeks and Changmin relaxes a bit at the soothing gestures.  
  
‘This didn’t take so long when you did it.’  
  
‘That’s because I am used to it.’  
  
This feels like a slap, reminding him that Jun is not his, and that he will never be, that he probably has sex with other people like he has.  
  
Finally Jun takes his fingers out, and Changmin waits in anticipation as Jun puts on a condom and leans down again, his body covering Changmin’s. Changmin feels Jun’s erection brushing against his ass and tenses a bit.  
  
‘We can still stop. We can stop at any time. Just tell me.’  
  
But Jun is breathless and it’s obvious that he wants it and Changmin doesn’t want nice so he pushes his hips back against Jun’s and Jun exhales against his back.  
  
He parts his cheeks and Changmin feels the tip pressed at his entrance. Jun is kissing his shoulder and one of his hands grasps Changmin’s hand while he balances himself with the other.  
  
When the pressure grows and Jun’s entering inch by inch, Changmin stops breathing and moves his hand to his mouth to bite on it.  
  
Jun doesn’t stop until he is fully in and Changmin can feel Jun’s balls against him. Then thankfully Jun stills but Changmin can’t only breathe small gasps at a time and he feels so full that he is probably crushing Jun’s hand.  
  
Jun’s kissing his neck because he can’t reach his mouth and it’s soft, feather-like, but Changmin still doesn’t relax and Jun sighs.  
  
‘Maybe we should stop.’  
  
Changmin can feel him trembling while he tries to stay still. Changmin remembers how tight and hot it feels and how he probably just wants to fuck Changmin hard and fast and that’s enough to turn him on and slowly relax.  
  
‘No.’  
  
And damnit if he is going to let Jun run away. People get hurt and it can be uncomfortable sometimes but they are doing this. He pushes his hips back and Jun moans at the friction and that didn’t feel so bad so Changmin does it again until Jun’s hips are following his and Jun is thrusting, shallowly, but still thrusting inside him.  
  
The sound of their bodies moving against each seems obscene and hot at the same time —or is it hot because it’s obscene, not that Changmin cares at this point because the weight of Jun’s body moving on top of him feels awfully good.  
  
Maybe Jun’s control is slipping because his next thrust has more force and it’s kind of painful but good at the same time since Jun’s losing control _because of him._  
  
Jun nearly stops when he hears Changmin’s small cry of pain but Changmin just pushes back against him and moans. It’s a bit more enthusiastic than he really feels but Jun needs reassurance.  
  
‘Fuck me, come on.’  
  
His voice is hoarse and it comes out as a whisper and it does the trick because Jun grunts and his thrusts are wider and faster.  
  
He pulls Changmin to his knees, releasing his hand so Changmin can lean on it. It changes the angle and this time Changmin cries in pleasure because Jun just stroked a spot that feels just so good.  
  
Then Jun’s hand is on his cock, stroking, while his other hand his grasping Changmin’s hip tightly. He nibbles Changmin’s ear but suddenly stops his biting during a particularly long deep thrust and it’s the first time Changmin hears him swear.  
  
It’s hot and Changmin kind of want to kiss him but it’s not really possible and it doesn’t really matters when Jun’s hand is on his cock and he hits that spot again and presses open-mouthed kisses on his neck. Changmin comes, his arms giving in.  
  
He crumbles on the bed and Jun follows, falling on top of him, but Jun’ hips don’t stop moving. And then Jun tenses and comes too, deep inside, and Changmin clenches around him.  
  
He is quick to pull out so Changmin turns around, Jun now lying between his legs, and their lips come together in a warm kiss.  
  
Changmin is feeling emotions he probably shouldn’t as Jun smiles at him, the corner of his eyes wrinkling as he nuzzles their noses together but he is warm and content. He reveals in the feeling of the skin against skin and breathes in Jun’s scent. It smells strongly of shampoo, he has just showered after all, though there is also hint of sweat that betrays their recent activity.  
  
It’s when he eases completely that he remembers Yunho and how this is a bad idea. His hold on Jun tightens.  
  
‘Changmin?’ Jun looks at him worriedly. Maybe wondering if he has hurt him, Changmin thinks.  
  
‘I’m ok.’  
  
‘That’s good then.’  
  
Jun tries to pull away but Changmin’s hold tightens even more. ‘It’s sticky,’ Jun complains.  
  
‘Who cares.’  
  
‘I care. Let me go.’  
  
Changmin doesn’t, looking at him defiantly, but he should have known that Jun would take up the challenge. Jun grins and starts tickling Changmin. This is highly effective and Changmin lets go immediately.  
  
‘That’s not fair’  
  
Jun chuckles as he gets out of bed. ‘The world isn’t fair.’  
  
It’s meant as light banter but thinking of their situation, Changmin feels his stomach twists.  
  
Jun throws the condom away and grabs a towel to wipe himself. He means to get back into bed but Changmin gets up.  
  
‘What—‘  
  
Changmin steals a kiss and the towel. ‘I can’t stay. Yunho…’  
  
Jun looks away. ‘Ok.’  
  
But he sounds everything but ok. Changmin can’t apologize though and it’s better if Jun gets annoyed at him so he leaves picking up his clothes along way. Jun doesn’t stop him.  
  
He is lifting his jacket from the couch when his gaze falls on the tv. They forgot to turn it off and Jun is still smiling on the screen.  
  
Impulsively, he strides over the dvd player and takes the disk that he carefully puts back into its case before he leaves, clutching it against his chest.  
  
  
º  
  
  
They are back in their old routine except that Changmin is much more careful in his lies and never stays the night. So far Yunho hasn’t suspected anything but Changmin knows he is scared of being discovered, of it slowly becoming something he won’t be able to give up if he has to, which is why he leaves quickly after they are done.  
  
It’s better to see Jun’s irritated expression than admit he much rather see his bright smile and somehow Changmin is becoming more and more aggressive, leaving marks and hickeys on Jun’s neck and bruises on his hips. He leads Jun into being rougher when Jun is fucking him, which is happening a lot more frequently. There are less kisses and more bites until one day Jun snaps and pins him down on the bed.  
  
Changmin struggles but it seems he is more tired than he though so he is unable to jerk Jun off of him. Jun presses their lips together, softly, like they haven’t in a while, and moves to his cheek and then to his ear kissing along the way.  
  
Changmin feels his chest tighten and manages to throw Jun off of him but he pushes too strongly this time and Jun is distracted and falls from the bed. Changmin freezes as Jun gets up but he is going to apologize and—  
  
‘Save it. I don’t want to hear it. This is crazy. Just…’ Jun breathes deeply, closing his eyes. ‘I’m fine with being rough from time to time, it’s hot, but this is more than that and I don’t like it.’  
  
He stares right at him. ‘I’m not going to help you hurt yourself anymore so don’t come back until you’ve sorted your mess.’  
  
Changmin is going to protest but his phone is ringing from the living room and it is Yunho’s ringtone so he has got to take it to avoid trouble. He glances back at Jun but Jun is avoiding his gaze as he sits down on the bed, his back to Changmin.  
  
‘This is not—’  
  
‘Just go Changmin.’  
  
Jun sounds tired and Changmin doesn’t really know what he was going to say anyway. His phone starts ringing again so he goes.  
  
He calls Yunho back once he is on the street.  
  
‘Where are you?’  
  
Yunho sounds nervous and that’s never good.  
  
‘I’m on my way home, just trying to get a taxi.’ And it’s the truth, sort of.  
  
‘Good, good. Ok. Just… come back.’  
  
‘Is everything alright?’  
  
Yunho stays silent for a few seconds but his actual answer is not much better.  
  
‘Mmm… Let’s talk when you come back.’  
  
He hangs up before Changmin has the time to ask anything else.  
  
The whole ride back Changmin can’t stop thinking that maybe Yunho knows, or worst, someone else knows. Then he stops himself because Yunho would have been furious instead of just nervous, but that doesn’t really help him calm down either so he focuses on the landscape that unfolds behind the window.  
  
  
º  
  
  
There is a tabloid waiting for him on top of the coffee table and Changmin’s heart stops. He glances at Yunho but he doesn’t look furious; his manager, however, looks like he is trying to dig a grave from the way he walks up and down while he shouts on the phone. He stops walking when his gaze falls on Changmin and Changmin has the impression that if there had truly been a grave, their manager would have thrown him in it.  
  
‘What’s wrong?’  
  
Yunho gestures towards the tabloid while their manager tries to contain his anger. The way his shouting grows louder and his fingers clenches at the phone, he is doing a poor job at it.  
  
Changmin takes the tabloid. It’s already opened at the relevant page and he is sort of relieved —though he knows he shouldn’t— to see it is a picture of him and the woman with a mole at the tip of her nose, not that the mole can be seen in the picture.  
  
It’s taken from quite a distance and thus a bit hazy. He only recognizes himself because of the clothes and his, admittedly large, ears. Thankfully, it wasn’t taken in front of the hotel but in front of the bar, when he had helped her get into the taxi.  
  
He quickly scans the article but it’s not too telling; it only mentions seeing him with an unidentified but beautiful lady going out of a bar and getting together into a taxi. It’s hinting that they probably went to a hotel, which is true but they don’t have proof, and that they probably have a relationship, which makes Changmin wants to laugh.  
  
Their manager finally hangs up as Changmin puts the tabloid back on the table.  
  
‘So who is this lady?’  
  
‘Someone I met at a bar.’  
  
Their manager scoffs. ‘I meant a name and possibly a number to contact her.’  
  
‘I don’t know her name nor any means of contacting her.’  
  
Their manager looks surprised. He probably doesn’t know what to think. Changmin isn’t the type to have one-night stands or to forget names but then Changmin doesn’t remember ever exchanging names with her.  
  
‘You mean that you only shared a taxi with her, which is why you don’t know anything about her?’  
  
‘Well, no. I did go to a hotel with her.’  
  
‘And had sex?’  
  
‘Yeah.’  
  
Yunho coughs to hide his surprise and their manager is definitively having some kind of seizure but he still presses on, as if he didn’t believe his ears.  
  
‘So you mean that you had sex with a random woman, don’t know her name nor her number, and haven’t seen her again since?’  
  
‘That’s about it, yes.’  
  
‘Tell me you at least used a condom.’  
  
‘Hyung!’ Changmin is starting to feel a bit annoyed. After all, he has done nothing wrong —that they know of— and the article isn’t really incriminating.  
  
‘Oh god.’  
  
His manager falls on the couch, a hand holding his head. He mutters something that sounds a lot like _why me_ and _he looked like such a nice boy_ and _easy to manage but no_ before he looks back at Changmin.  
  
‘Is this going to be a regular thing? Should I start planning on being full time in scandal management?’  
  
Yunho stays silent but his gaze is as inquisitive as their manager’s. Changmin shifts uncomfortably.  
  
‘Well, I don’t think so. It was just a one-time thing.’  
  
‘Why did you?’ asks Yunho and this is mean because he probably knows why. He glares at Yunho.  
  
‘I was thinking of my ex and felt lonely. It won’t happen again.’  
  
Their manager gets up.  
  
‘I don’t mind if it happens again,’ he says, and when he sees Changmin’s look of surprise, he adds: ‘As long as you are smart enough not to get caught by anyone.’  
  
Changmin is counting on it but he doesn’t know how long he can do it. Not that it is an issue right now since Jun will remain cold until the situation changes and Changmin _can’t_ change it.  
  
‘Well, I have to go to do some damage control. We’re lucky they don’t have better pictures.’  
  
‘What’s the story?’  
  
‘That you only shared a taxi with her since you were going in the same direction. You helped her because you were worried something would happen to her in her state of drunkenness. But anyway, simply don’t comment. Yeah?’  
  
Changmin nods.  
  
‘One more thing before I leave. Management wants you not to go anywhere else but work and home for a month. Basically, you can’t go out until this is forgotten.’  
  
Changmin knows he can’t protest so he nods again. Satisfied, their manager leaves. Changmin takes the tabloid and throws it into the bin.  
  
‘Not going to keep your first scandal?’  
  
Changmin looks back at Yunho but can’t read him; the lightness of his tone is in opposition to the seriousness of his expression.  
  
‘Why would I do that?’  
  
‘As a reminder.’  
  
Oh. That. And it pricks at him but he doesn’t want Yunho to have the last word.  
  
‘It’s not necessary.’  
  
Yunho doesn’t look convinced and Changmin thinks that maybe his lies haven’t been good enough and Yunho _knows_. Yunho walks up to him and puts a hand on his shoulder.  
  
‘Well, at least your scandal is with a woman.’  
  
_And not Jun_ , Changmin adds silently, clenching his teeth.  
  
The sharpness of Yunho’s words contrasts with the concern Changmin detects in his tone and his eyes. He means well, Changmin knows. He knows and yet he still really wants to punch him in the face.  
  
‘Anyway, don’t worry. People are quick to forget.’  
  
But Changmin knows that’s not quite true; they are quick to forget _whenever_ they find something new and better, and it better not be him and Jun.  
  
‘I’ll be in my room if you need me.’  
  
Yunho gives his shoulder a squeeze and leaves him alone. Changmin falls on the couch, exhausted. He rubs his eyes and sighs. The more he thinks about it, less and less options retain any appeal until there doesn’t seem to be any good one left. He is truly at loss, this time.  
  
º  
  
  
It’s been a week and Changmin feels miserable and decides that today he is not going to leave his bed.  
  
He hasn’t been able to communicate with Jun. Well, it would be more correct to say that he hasn’t had the guts nor the words to do it even though he has spent many times writing and erasing messages. All of them seemed pointless in the end because he can’t apologize nor can he promise anything since, in all honesty, he hasn’t been able to come up with a solution. Also Changmin feels guilty about the scandal. He knows they are not exclusive or anything but this knowledge doesn’t erase the guilt.  
  
He sighs and covers his face with a pillow.  
  
The fact that he is not allowed to go out —not that he wants to, but he likes being given the choice— only worsens his mood.  
  
If he weren’t so damn annoyed, he would admit that at least Yunho had been extra nice all week, ordering all his favorite food for him and cutting him some slack during dance rehearsals, which is something that happens… hardly ever. But he _is_ so damn annoyed and doesn’t look forward to seeing Yunho on his free day, or anyone for that matter.  
  
Which is why he is lying on his bed, looking at the ceiling, trying to think of how to waste time. He has gone all week to the gym but today is Sunday and he really doesn’t feel like running on a treadmill. He glances at his guitar but his fingers still hurt from yesterday and, though he is restless, he is feeling rather lazy too.  
  
He sits up and lifts his arms up, trying to stretch his back, when his gaze falls on the dvd that he stole from Jun. And then forgot.  
  
He sighs. This isn’t a good idea at all. It’s not going to improve his mood or make him forget his problems at all but he doesn’t think he can feel much worse and has nothing better to do than mop all day so why not.  
  
He fluffs some pillows, turns his laptop on and puts it on his lap as he lies down in bed again, comfortably propped by the newly-fluffed pillows. There is no email worth reading, i.e. no news from his family, Kyuhyun nor Jun, so he pops the dvd in.  
  
This time he is prepared for the ridiculous outfits so he concentrates better on the performance itself. Or Jun. Whichever. Jun’s singing is definitively not the best —too nasal— but it’s still his voice that he likes most.  
  
He forces himself not to pause on Jun’s happy face and maybe watching this wasn’t such a good idea.  
  
18 minutes later he is still watching because, he reasons, this is morbid curiosity. It’s like watching a train-wreck. They are wearing what Changmin can only call _curtains_ but not really since at least curtains have a defined shape and a purpose. The letting-go of lots of colorful balloons in the blue sky is awfully pretty though and _almost_ makes up for the costume disaster.  
  
He has to skip _Love Rainbow_ and it has nothing to do with the lyrics — _I just want to be with you tomorrow and forever after_ — and everything to do with the melody being annoying to his ears.  
  
It’s worth it because Jun is cutely wiping the rain from the camera during the next song and then they are wearing decent clothes —that had been until there hidden by the curtain monstrosity— consisting of comparatively simple white outfits and rainbowy scarfs. He relaxes a bit at the beat of the catchy songs.  
  
Big mistake.  
  
Next is Jun’s solo and what is this… he needs to sit up. And new glasses. He skips back to watch the beginning of the solo again. Jun is wearing a sort of shirt where only one button is actually buttoned up but it’s not the expected last one —too mainstream, Changmin supposes— but the first one that is properly done, thus leaving the lower part of his chest and his stomach exposed, emphasizing the narrowness of his waist.  
  
That alone would have been ok, weird yes and strangely sexy somehow, but still ok. No, it’s its combination with the movements performed by Jun’s hips —the song is called _Shake it_ so all the shaking does make sense— that further stresses the narrowness of his waist and makes Jun appear rather fragile instead of sexy.  
  
Changmin shifts as his heart tightens and it’s really only this apparent fragility that makes him uncomfortable —but Jun doesn’t need anyone’s protection anyway, much less his— because then Jun walks like he owns the stage, sexy as hell.  
  
He wonders why Jun tries so hard when he can be so entrancing when doing nothing but breathing (on his neck) or standing (while he slides his shirt off) or walking (backwards until they both topple in the bed).  
  
The earnestness is kind of endearing though, like the way he sometimes treats Changmin as if he were going to break but Changmin doesn’t need anyone’s protection either and he _is_ annoyed by the accusation that he is using Jun to hurt himself. This is the silliest excuse he has heard when refusing to see someone.  
  
And then on the screen Jun opens his shirt completely and runs his hand through his hair and Changmin forgets to think.  
  
He replays it at least 5 more times before he ends this self-imposed torture and puts the dvd away, underneath a pile of books.  
  
His phone vibrates and it’s Yunho, saying he won’t be home until late tonight. He is probably networking. Changmin has never liked that term. It sounds cold and impersonal, working to get the much needed connections. It’s essential but it doesn’t mean Changmin has to like it; it feels too much like selling oneself, which is ironic considering that a job’s idol is precisely that.  
  
_ok. sd I wait for you for supper?_  
  
_no. supper with producer but thx._  
  
He could treat himself to a super spicy ramen then. That would cheer him up. He stops himself from putting the phone back down as his gaze falls on one of Jun’s old messages. He knows he is supposed to erase, what with not leaving incriminating evidence around, but he always likes having at least one to carry around.  
  
And this is so silly so he types Jun a message.  
  
_watched your concert solo. 6 times._  
  
He presses his lips together, hesitates a bit, and presses send. The response doesn’t take long to come and Changmin nearly drops the phone.  
  
_liked what you saw?_  
  
Changmin licks his lips.  
  
_6 times…_  
  
The response takes a bit longer to come and Changmin can’t help pacing up and down his room.  
  
_saw the article. is it true?_  
  
Changmin wants to call to explain himself properly but if Jun had wanted to listen to him he would have called by now and Changmin doesn’t want to push his luck.  
  
_yes and no. was only one-night stand._  
  
Changmin hesitates to add that it was when he had broken things between them but he doesn’t need to explain himself, does he? when they aren’t really in a relationship.  
  
_ok. you thought about what i said last time?_  
  
This is why Changmin hadn’t written before today. He has thought a lot about it but there’s nothing much he can say and he is still annoyed by Jun’s insinuations.  
  
_i don’t need you to take my decisions for me._  
  
It’s probably not the right thing to say but it’s not the worse either.  
  
_no but i can decide not to take part in your bad decisions or whatever they are._  
  
It hurts more than the supposedly ‘bad decisions’ and Changmin wants to shout at Jun in frustration.  
  
_your choice then._  
  
And as he types the _then_ , he can’t shake off the finality of it.  
  
_it’s yours._  
  
‘No, it’s not,’ Changmin whispers and he really wants to hurl his phone against the wall. He settles with throwing it on the bed and then throwing all the pillows to the floor.  
  
He feels a bit better but his frustration is still there and he can’t stop the unease from growing.  
  
His phone vibrates again. Changmin is not sure he wants to reach for it but he does because he will have to, sooner or later.  
  
It’s Satoshi Tsumabuki.  
  
_Are you ok? I ran into Yunho-san and asked about you. He said you were sick?_  
  
Changmin is not in the mood for small talk but he needs a distraction.  
  
_he is exaggerating but i’m bored. entertain me._  
  
_Do you want to hang out later?_  
  
Changmin is disappointed at the answer.  
  
_i can’t go out though._  
  
_I meant: do you want me to come over? Later on this afternoon as I have a meeting to go to first. Maybe 6pm?_  
  
Changmin hesitates. He does need to talk to someone. He can’t really ask for any advice to Yunho anymore. Kyuhyun would totally spill the beans to Yunho because he would worry needlessly. Anyway he isn’t sure he wants to tell him about being with a man; and he would need to since he is unable to lie to him. Kyuhyun always sees right through him. But he can lie to Satoshi-san and ask for advice by telling _it’s a friend of his_ because even if it’s risky he wouldn’t suspect Changmin since he’s just had a scandal with a woman, right?  
  
_ok. you have my address?_  
  
  
To pass the time, he does some cleaning, the kitchen mostly because Yunho is messy and busy and can’t be bothered to clean when he has free time. Also Yunho doesn’t mind the mess and while he normally makes an effort for Changmin’s sake, Changmin guesses the current clutter is a symptom of Yunho’s passive-aggressiveness and that Yunho _is_ actually annoyed at him because of the scandal.  
  
Changmin doesn’t mind cleaning; it helps him not to think. Once he is done with the kitchen —there are enough beers if Satoshi-san wants to drink— , he reorders their dvd collection, then their cds, and finally decides to take out the ironing board for a session of clothes tidying.  
  
He works the wrinkles out of his t-shirts and shirts while he watches the rerun of a drama full of family values. It’s full of _you-can-do-it!_ and _do-your-best!_ feelings with a dash of _your-family-and-friends-are-the-most-important-thing-in-the-world-so-you-better-do-everything-and-anything-for-them_  
.  
Changmin wants to throw the iron at the screen when the impossible but inevitable ‘happy ending’ happens but Yunho would never let it go so he settles for clenching his teeth. Why the hero has to give up his ambitions for the sake of his family? So he can make himself miserable and resent his family for it?  
  
He changes the channel —it’s about cooking— and he has thankfully finished ironing, down to his pajamas, and puts away everything, carefully folding his clothes in the pantry.  
  
There’s only half an hour left before it’s 6pm so he takes a shower and changes into a t-shirt and some jeans. He is on the couch channel surfing when Tsumabuki finally rings the doorbell at 6.45pm.  
  
Changmin lets him in. He can feel the alcohol in his breath but Satoshi-san is polite and nice as he sits on couch next to Changmin and apologizes for being late and not bringing anything.  
  
‘How was your day?’ Changmin asks after he has assured he doesn’t mind that Satoshi-san has arrived late or hasn’t brought anything.  
  
Satoshi begins telling how is day has been going wrong to worse since he woke up late.  
  
‘I was surprised to run into Yunho. But you don’t really look like you’re sick.’  
  
Right. Changmin had forgotten about Yunho’s lie.  
  
‘Well, I’m feeling much better.’  
  
Satoshi laughs. ‘Is this about the scandal?’  
  
Satoshi is smirking at him and Changmin can’t detect any bad intention so he relaxes.  
  
‘I’m not really allowed to go out.’  
  
‘Kind of like being under house-arrest,’ Satoshi says before laughing. It’s infectious so Changmin laughs along.  
  
‘I hope me coming here is not breaking any rules.’ Satoshi continues after catching his breath.  
  
Changmin scoffs and gets up. ‘Do you want some beer?’  
  
Satoshi nods so he goes to fetch some that he puts in front of them, on the table. Changmin drinks a gulp or two, trying to find a way to broach the subject he wants to talk about.  
  
They talk a bit more while drinking and Changmin decides that there is no good way of doing so he just has to do it.  
  
‘Can is ask you for some advice? It’s for a friend.’  
  
‘For a friend?’  
  
Changmin knows Satoshi is already suspicious but he really wants to talk about it to someone.  
  
‘I have a male friend who is in a casual relationship…’ Satoshi nods, encouragingly, so Changmin goes on: ‘with a man.’  
  
Satoshi’s eyebrows go up and Changmin shifts uncomfortably. ‘Should I stop?’  
  
‘No, that’s ok. Go on. Your friend?’  
  
Changmin looks away. ‘It’s not that he is homosexual, it’s just sex.’  
  
‘Well, having sex with a man does seem to relate to homosexuality.’  
  
Changmin looks back to him, surprised, and frowns. ‘Well, maybe he just likes that person in particular.’  
  
‘So it’s not only sex then.’  
  
Changmin freezes, dumbfounded, realizing what he has just said. His face drains of color. Satoshi sighs.  
  
‘It’s not a friend, is it?’  
  
Changmin looks away and this is all the confirmation Satoshi needs.  
  
‘It’s ok. I won’t tell a soul.’  
  
‘It’s really just nice sex and it’s the only man I have ever been with. I have been with women though and it’s good. I like them.’  
  
Satoshi is staring intently at him so Changmin meets his gaze. It’s warm, maybe from the alcohol, but also reassuring.  
  
‘It has never crossed your mind to do it with someone else? Another man, I mean.’  
  
And Changmin is not sure he is reading him right because he seems suddenly so close. His gaze is too intent on him. His thigh feels warm against his though he is pretty sure the couch is large enough for them not to be touching.  
  
‘What do you mean?’  
  
Satoshi’s hand rises to Changmin’s cheek, hovering near for a few seconds before it rests on it. Changmin can feel his pulse quicken.  
  
‘You remind me of Momo sometimes.’  
  
‘Because I fabric explosives?’  
  
Satoshi laughs but his hand stays in place.  
  
‘No, because you hide yourself so damn well and then sometimes there are some cracks. I feel like Kouda for a second, just wanting to protect you.’  
  
He looks at Satoshi, wide-eyed, and then he leans against the warm hand on his cheek.  
  
Perhaps it’s because of the beers, because he is frustrated and needs relief, or because he is curious, or he doesn’t want to think anymore. Because it’s not about liking someone or not. Because it’s just sex anyway.  
  
Satoshi’s hand slides against his face and his fingertips traces Changmin’s lips. Changmin’s mouth opens slightly and the tip of his tongue presses against the pad of Satoshi’s fingers. This is enough for Satoshi to push Changmin down onto the couch and devours his lips.  
  
He tastes like alcohol. It’s not unpleasant but it’s not what Changmin wants and he turns his head. Satoshi takes the hint and his mouth trails down his neck and Changmin can feel teeth against his skin but it’s too light of a touch and so he pushes his neck back against them.  
  
Changmin closes his eyes and feels Satoshi’s hands under his shirt and this isn’t soft at all but it’s just what Changmin needs. He presses himself against Satoshi, his fingers digging into his back, urging him to get closer, and their hips are jerking against each other but Changmin needs more.  
  
‘Just fuck me.’  
  
Satoshi’s hips stops. He is probably surprised by Changmin’s bluntness but he is quick to be convinced by Changmin’s hips that haven’t stopped moving and the low _please_ against his ear.  
  
He stands up to let Changmin take his jeans and boxers off and scramble for his wallet, which is in on the coffee table, for a condom. Then he is sliding his trousers and underwear off but Changmin is already pulling him back on top of him so he just pulls them down to his knees before quickly putting the condom on, jerking himself a bit afterwards, but he is already hard enough. He lets Changmin grab him by his neck and pulls him down; Changmin’s legs wrapping themselves around him, urging him.  
  
‘Isn’t this too quick… don’t you need to—’  
  
Satoshi’s voice wavers but Changmin just shakes his head and pulls him with his legs while pushing his ass against Satoshi’s cock.  
  
‘Just get on with it.’  
  
Satoshi takes himself in his hand and lines up before he pushes inside. Changmin doesn’t let him take it slowly and pushes back against him. It burns and Satoshi is maybe a bit bigger than Jun so he has never felt this stretched before.  
  
Satoshi tries to still, probably because it’s too tight and because Changmin’s forehead is all wrinkled and he is letting a moan that doesn’t quite hit the right note, but Changmin just moves his hips against him.  
  
Satochi growls and his hips are quick to snap back against Changmin’s. His rhythm is fast but his thrusts are still long, reaching deep as Changmin meets him with force. Changmin still hasn’t relaxed enough though; it still burns a bit but the pain mixes with pleasure when Satoshi strokes against his prostate.  
  
Satoshi is panting in his ear but it’s the friction of his cock against Satoshi’s stomach that brings him near the edge, and then Satoshi is biting Changmin’s neck and Changmin’s hands are under his shirt, his nails digging into the warm skin, as he climaxes between them.  
  
His cock feels painfully sensitive as it rubs against Satoshi’s body but he still meets Satochi’s thrusts, clinging to his neck —because his waist is bigger than Jun’s and it’s weird—, his legs bringing him forward each time, until there is an especially deep thrust followed by shallow ones, and Satoshi shudders against him and lets himself fall on top of him.  
  
Changmin feels like he is suffocating under the weight of it all and pushes against him. Satoshi rolls off him before he awkwardly gets up and searches for tissues. Changmin quickly stands up too and points to the kitchen. He feels exposed; he isn’t wearing anything from the waist down. He grabs his clothes from the floor and covers himself.  
  
Satoshi comes out of the kitchen with kitchen paper in hand cleaning Changmin’s come from his stomach. His trousers are back up and closed. He looks back at Changmin inquiringly. Changmin fidgets.  
  
‘I’m going to shower. Just…’  
  
Satoshi nods.  
  
‘Ok. I guess I’ll just go then.’  
  
He stops in front of Changmin.  
  
‘Tell your friend that he should quickly do something about those feelings and that I am there anytime he needs me.’  
  
He drops a kiss on his cheek and leaves as Changmin stares dumbly at him. Changmin finally shakes himself and nearly runs into the bathroom. He enters the shower and turns it on. The water is lukewarm and he shivers, turning it hotter. It’s nearly scalding but his muscles loosen. It fails to drown his thoughts though.  
  
Sleeping with Satoshi had felt good and exciting, like his first time with Jun except less awkward and more forceful. Yet it’s not the same and Changmin looks down, slightly bumping his head against the cold tiles. His tears drop to the floor, where they mingle with the water and run down the drain.  
  
His skin is red when he steps out of the shower but his head has cleared and now he finally knows what he wants to do.


	4. Chapter 4

He is in front of Jun’s door, his right hand clutching the Beautiful World dvd. He is wearing the same clothes the first time they had kissed in that bar in what seems a long time ago but actually isn’t. Maybe two months or three, he wonders. He is going to get scolded by Yunho and his management but he doesn’t care right now.  
  
He checks his watch. It’s a little bit past 9pm and Jun should be home.  
  
  
He rings the doorbell. Nothing and then he hears the footstep and the door is opening. Jun just stares at him but makes no move to let him enter.  
  
‘Who is it?’  
  
Changmin looks over Jun’s shoulder and it’s Ninomiya, who is slowly walking towards them.  
  
‘Oh. _You_.’ Changmin doesn’t like the way Ninomiya addresses him nor does he like his piercing gaze. He can’t help but fidget.  
  
Jun turns his gaze towards Nino. ‘Don’t—‘  
  
‘Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Do what you want.’ Ninomiya shrugs. ‘Should I leave?’  
  
Jun looks back at Changmin, and Changmin can see the contained tension in the tightness of his posture.  
  
‘Should he leave?’  
  
Changmin swallows; his mouth feels so parched.  
  
‘I really need to tell you something.’  
  
Changmin can see how Jun and Ninomiya exchange a look before Ninomiya sighs.  
  
‘If this goes wrong…’ Jun shots him a dark look. ‘I’m leaving, geez.’  
  
He quickly takes his jacket and puts his shoes on. On his way out, he brushes past Changmin, a tad too forcefully, and Changmin has to take a step back.  
  
‘Nino!’  
  
‘Oops. My bad.’  
  
His tone is too cheerful to be sincere but he still bows his head to Changmin. As he lifts it, Changmin sees he is smirking.  
  
‘Well, see you later perhaps.’  
  
He leaves and then Changmin finally enters. He follows Jun quietly to the living room. There’s food on the coffee table, some pasta, and two beers.  
  
Jun stands in front of the tv, his arms crossed. It doesn’t look like he is going to make this any easier for Changmin. He may as well be comfortable, Changmin thinks. He takes his time removing his coat to lay it against the back of the couch, trying to calm himself, but his heart is still hammering in his chest. He sits down on the couch and slides the dvd on the table.  
  
‘I took it without asking so…’  
  
‘I noticed.’  
  
Perhaps Jun can see his nervousness and has taken pity on him or not, but he uncrosses him arms from over his chest and sits down on the floor, legs crossed, next to the coffee table, opposite to him.  
  
Changmin bites his lower lip and slowly releases it, dragging his teeth on his skin.  
  
‘Someone made me realize something and…’  
  
He doesn’t know how to go on but Jun scoffs before he can add anything else.  
  
‘I can see you were busy’ Jun says and he is staring at his collarbone. Changmin’s hand flies to his neck, where there is probably a bruise.  
  
‘That’s…’  
  
Jun looks away.  
  
‘I don’t care. You are free to do whatever you want.’ But he is frowning and his tone is icier than the ice age itself.  
  
‘Jun. ‘  
  
His tone must have been desperate enough because Jun looks back at him again. He’d better use this chance then. He wets his lips, passes his tongue over his sore lip, before speaking.  
  
‘I am sorry.’  
  
Jun’s eyes widen and it’s probably not what he was expecting at all. Maybe he can still fix this.  
  
‘You know, for pushing you away or… if you felt used.’ He is looking right at Jun. ‘I didn’t know what I wanted but now I know.‘  
  
‘What do you want?’ Jun’s voice is hoarse.  
  
Changmin is twisting his hands on his lap. Until now he had been too busy thinking about how to make Jun listen, but now… what if he has misread Jun… He looks up at him, pleadingly. Jun hesitates for a few seconds before he sighs and comes to sit next to him. He puts his hands on top of Changmin’s to still them.  
  
‘I want you,’ Changmin says and he has to take a deep breath before continuing. ‘But…’  
  
‘But?’  
  
Changmin feels Jun’s hands tense on his, ready to withdraw at any moment. He looks down, and closes his eyes tightly.  
  
‘It’s more than that… I think I like you.’  
  
Jun’s hands grip his and Changmin breathes stops. Then he is pulled to the side, to Jun’s chest and two arms wraps themselves around him, and he can feel Jun’s heartbeat against his cheek.  
  
Jun’s hand is in his hair, ruffling it, and it’s nearly painful so Changmin protests — _eh!_ — and tries to sit up but his face is so close to Jun’s and he stops. Jun leans down and Changmin can feel his breath on his face.  
  
‘l like you too stupid', and he is smiling against his lips. Changmin is smiling back so hard it hurts so the kiss they share is mostly awkward and sloppy but it’s ten times better than all the other kisses they shared before.  
  
Changmin thinks he is probably really gone stupid this time but he can’t bring himself to care when he has Jun in his arms. Wait. _He_ is in Jun’s arms but that’s pretty much the same thing as long someone is in the other’s arms and so he snuggles and hugs Jun back and it’s better when they are both in each other’s arms. Jun’s arms tighten around him. Changmin sighs contentedly.

  
After a few minutes, though, his back is starting to ache from the posture and he wriggles a bit.  
  
‘Are you uncomfortable?’  
  
‘I’m fine,’ because he doesn’t want to let go.  
  
‘Come on. If you let me go for a few seconds…’  
  
Jun pushes him away and Changmin unwillingly lets him. Jun swings his legs onto the couch and Changmin moves to lie on his stomach, between Jun’s legs. Jun is drawing circle on his nape with his fingertips, and they kiss, slow and lazy.  
  
Soon the kisses grow more heated and one of Jun’s hand slips under his shirt, his fingers running lightly on Changmin’s skin. He can feel Jun growing hard underneath him but the caresses are soothing and Changmin is sleepy and warm and doesn’t really want to move.  
  
When Changmin shifts and bit and Jun moans in his mouth, however, Changmin figures he could do a little effort to make up for his earlier mistakes. He undulates lightly against Jun, and Jun’s next moan breaks the kiss. Changmin smiles against his lips, and does it again until Jun is grinding against him, his head thrown back against the couch, his eyes closed.  
  
Changmin tears himself away from Jun’s warm body. Jun groans in protest and try to follow him up but Changmin pushes him back down with a hand, and straddles him so he can balance himself over him. He unbuttons Jun’s slacks, sneaking a hand inside, and teases Jun a bit by stroking him on top of his boxers. Jun pushes against him, his hands clinging to Changmin’s shirt.  
  
‘Changmin… I need…’  
  
Changmin takes pity on Jun and makes him lift his lips so he can slide both the slacks and the boxers down his knees. His hand goes back to Jun’s cock and he palms the tip, before he fists it, slowly sliding his hand down and then up and down again, slick with pre-come. Jun’s hips jerk up to quicken the pace so Changmin presses his other hand against Jun’s right hip bone to hold him down.  
  
Jun moans again and Changmin is glad that he is tall enough to reach for Jun’s mouth without having to stop his strokes. Jun enthusiastically responds to the kiss, open and wet, his hands moving to hold Changmin’s head still. Then Changmin intensifies the rhythm, and Jun’s gasping and coming in his hand.  
  
Changmin breaks the kiss because he wants to watch Jun’s face. He is gorgeous, gleaming with sweat, black hair curling around his face, his eyes closed and his mouth opened soundlessly in a small o.  
  
Jun slumps into the couch with a content sigh. Changmin just wants to fall back in the warm embrace as quickly as possible. He wipes his hand on his sweater but, at Jun’s noise of disgust, he finally takes it off and throws it on the floor. Jun’s eyes are slightly opened and his warm gaze slowly moves up from his now naked chest to look into Changmin’s eyes.  
  
‘Do you—‘  
  
‘It’s fine.’  
  
Jun is going to insist further but Changmin really doesn’t need anything so he helps Jun back into his boxers and his slacks. Jun’s arms are reaching for him again but Changmin stops him with a pout.  
  
‘Your t-shirt is scratchy.’  
  
Jun chuckles but consents in rising a bit so Changmin can help him get rid of the offending fabric. For a moment, Changmin is reminded of the Jun he saw on the screen, happy and awkward and fragile in his first-button-buttoned shirt, and his heart squeezes. Something must show on his face because Jun asks him if something is wrong. He smiles and drops a kiss on the top of Jun’s beauty mark on his upper lip, and finally relaxes in the embrace, snuggling in the crook of Jun’s neck.  
  
‘I’m happy’ he whispers against his skin.  
  
Changmin feels like he can do anything and everything now; if he has to convince Yunho and their manager, or the world, to protect that warm feeling, well, it’s worth it.  
  



End file.
